


Is It Love?

by Riverspirit86



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attack on Titan AU, High School AU, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Shingeki no Kyojin AU, graphic description of self harm, suicide atttempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverspirit86/pseuds/Riverspirit86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is the popular jock who everyone loves. Marco is the quiet nerd, who is bullied every day by Jean and his friends. But why does he let Jean do that to him? And why does Jean pick on Marco? </p>
<p>High School AU, eventual maleXmale, Jean/Marco pairing with a mention of LeviHan.<br/>GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED</p>
<p>All chapters have to do with at least one of the themes from the 100 Theme Challenge and the chapter title will have the themes "used" for that chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Themes: Introduction, Solitude, Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-write of my Bleach Fanfiction of the same name. It wasn't working for that pairing and I figured that it would work better with the Jean/Marco pairing, so here's the story!
> 
> WARNING: some chapters will have very descriptive accounts of self harm (mainly chapter 2 for now) and there are mentions of suicide.
> 
> It starts off as a sad story, but it will be happy in the end! I promise!
> 
> Anyways...  
> Please comment on what you like, don't like, or what you want to happen!

April 27th, 2013

It could be classified as love. Maybe...

We had been "dating" for about 8 months. I say that lightly, as he would rather die than be associated with me. I was the quiet nerd. He was the popular jock, the star athlete of our school. I was the person everyone avoided except when they needed me to copy my homework. He was the person boys wanted to be and girls wanted to date. So why did he pick me?

* * *

August 22th, 2012

It was the first day of my senior year. And I expected it to be just like all the other first days in my school career. All the girls were squealing and hugging each other, commenting on each others' haircuts and tans. All the boys were "bro-hugging" and fist bumping, teasing each other and rough housing. And then there was me, standing off in the corner, alone of course, silently observing all the reunions happening around me.

I rolled my eyes slightly at all the idiocy of it. In a few days, most of the reunions would be forgotten in the flow of drama. If two girls are best friends and they happen to like the same boy, prepare the popcorn for the coming storm. If two guys like the same girl, it becomes a contest to see who can get in her pants first. And then when she chooses one or the other, or neither, prepare the popcorn again, as this fight could get nasty.

So that's why I keep to myself. And everyone avoiding me helps. It's really not that bad, being a loner and a freak. You don't have to compete for the prime seat next to the head cheerleader, or worry about if someone is flirting with your boyfriend or girlfriend. The only downside is when you like someone, they probably hate you and wouldn't been seen talking to you, let alone date you.

And that's where my sole issue with being a loner came in. I liked someone. Well, my heart knew that it was love, but my mind refused to believe that, saying it was "just a phase" or it was "just a crush". But whatever it was, I liked him.

Yes, I'm a guy and I like another guy. Go ahead. Call me a freak who is going to hell for loving a person of the same gender. I really don't care anymore. I've been called worse.

But anyways, I liked him. A lot. I've liked him since 7th grade. Long time, I know. But I would wait forever for him. Which I will probably end up doing. There was no way in hell that he would even look at me except for teasing me. So I'll be content knowing that he actually notices me, even if it's only to shove me into a locker or make me drop my books.

But I can deal with that.

* * *

The first day went by fast yet slow. It went slow because I had no one to talk to while the teachers droned on and on about their classes and what to do in a fire drill. It went by fast because I had him in all of my classes. I could spend all day staring at him, wanting his arms to wrap around me in the midst of a pleasure filled night. But I don't. I don't want to be considered any creepier than what everyone thinks already. I only take passing glances when he's not paying attention to someone in my general area. But I'm content with that.

Anyways, the end of 7th period came way too fast, and before too long, I was heading out to my car. On the way, I heard multiple conversations going on about the huge party at Jean's place. It's no new information. He has had a party the weekend after school starts since the start of seventh grade. Which was the first, and last, time I had any positive interaction with anyone outside of my family. And I will not make that mistake of going to a party again.

Well, I might...

It's hishouse and his party. And it's my senior year, so I really have nothing else to lose. I'm not going to pay attention to anyone but him this year, and I doubt I'll see anyone once the year is done. So I might as well go to the party.

So what could go wrong?

* * *

 

August 23th 2012

I had no clue as to why we started school on a Wednesday. Maybe to ease us back into school after having several months off for summer. But who knows. All I know is that the teachers give homework to the upperclassmen by the second day of school, while the freshman get to remain free to do what they want in the evenings after school, until roughly the second or third week of school. So much for easing us into the swing of things.

But I didn't mind the homework. It's not like I had somewhere to go or someone to meet. So homework was a welcome distraction from my "loneliness" or "lack of friends". It didn't bother me that I didn't have any friends, but it bothered my parents. And besides, less friends means I have more time for my family.

I am the oldest out of four, two sisters and one brother. My oldest sister, Christa, turns 14 in a few months, making her an 8th grader. She jokes that we're both seniors, because she's in the highest grade in the middle school. My younger brother Bertholdt, the third in the family, turns 11 about a month before Christa has her birthday. And my littlest sister, and my personal favorite out of my siblings, is Mikasa. The bubbly, carefree 5 year old Mikasa is one of the reasons why I don't mind being a loner. Because, if I had friends, I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her as I do now. Even though I love all my family members, I love Mikasa the most.

My parents are very good parents, looking out for each other and for their four kids. Nowadays you see tons parents getting separated or getting a divorce. My parents would never do that. From what I know of love, my parents have had it throughout their 20 years together and will continue to have it for, well, forever.

Anyways, back to my family. My mother's name is Hanji and my father's is Levi and they do an amazing job of keeping all four kids in line. My parents often have me take care of my siblings, since I'm never doing anything outside of school. Which I was doing at that time.

I pulled into a parking spot at the town's elementary school, going to pick up Mikasa, when I saw _him._ He was standing in front of his car, looking bored out of his mind. I cringed when he looked over at me, not knowing what he would do. Instead of the bullying that he normally did, he motioned with his hand for me to come to him. I was shocked. The most popular boy in the entire high school, and my long-time crush, wanted me to go over to him? Well, I wasn't going to waste an opportunity to talk to him, so I went over and stood next to him.

I waited for him to speak first, not wanting to seem creepy or annoying. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long.

"That's your sister, right?" He said, pointing to Mikasa. She was too busy talking animatedly to two boys, so she didn't realize that I was here.

"Yes. That's Mikasa, my youngest sibling." I tried to keep the conversation light, not wanting him to stop talking to me.

"Oh? How many siblings do you have?" He turned towards me, giving me his sole attention.

"Three. Two sisters and a brother. So I'm the oldest of four. And you? Do you have any siblings?" I questioned, hoping that I didn't seem too prying.

"Just two younger brothers, twins actually." He smiled, obviously fond of his siblings. "Actually, they’re right over there, talking to Mikasa." He motioned to Mikasa and his brothers, who were still talking and laughing.

"Oh! I didn't know they were your brothers. But Mikasa and your brothers seem to be friends already." I smiled, glad that my little sister could have the life that I never had.

"Eren and Armin. Those are their names. Eren has the short brown hair while Armin has the shoulder-length blond hair.  Their hair-styles describe them too.  Eren is the troublemaker and more ‘manly’ of the two while Armin is a bit more feminine and innocent. But you could probably tell that." He laughed lightly, smiling at me.

I gave a small smile back, trying to seem friendly. "I try not to judge people, especially kids, by their appearances. I judge people by their actions towards me, my family, and others. But that's just me."

He turned back to look at his brothers. "Well, how do you judge me? I treat you like shit every day, but you never seem to mind. You never complain to the teachers or the principal. So I want to know what you think of me."

I was shocked. I really didn't know what to say. I mean, how do I say that the only reason I let him treat me like that is because I just want him to notice me? I sighed, thinking that this will probably be the last time I'll ever talk to him.

"I let you treat me that way because - " I was cut off when Mikasa noticed me and came running over.

"Polo!" She screamed, launching herself into my arms. Smiling, I picked her up and spun her around, all while she was laughing and giggling. When I set her back down, I noticed him staring at me. I cringed, not knowing what he would say.

But he just laughed lightly, smiling at me, before turning his attention to the two boys clinging to his legs.

"Jeanie . . . Pick me up! Please?" Armin asked, giving him puppy-dog eyes.

He sighed, acting annoyed. "Why do I have to pick you up? You can stand up by yourself."

"But Jeanie . . . I want a hug. Not a leg hug. A real hug." He was almost begging.

He smiled, not able to keep the annoyed act up any longer. "Alright, fine. Just stop with the begging and puppy-dog eyes!" He said, picking him up and putting him on his shoulder.

"Too high! Too high!" He screamed while laughing. He grabbed a handful of his sandy blond hair to hold on to.

"Ouch! Let go!" He pulled his brother down from his shoulder and set him on the ground. "How many times have I told you to not do that?"

He looked down at her feet, seeming sad. I heard a sniff and I realized that he was crying.

"Hey . . . Don't cry. I'm sorry. It just hurt, that's all." He knelt down, removing Eren from his leg so he could hug Armin. When he hugged him, he burst into tears.

"S-sorry J-Jeanie . . . I didn't mean to hurt you." He managed to make that out through his tears.

"It's okay Armin. Don't worry about it." He pulled back so he could look him in the eyes. "Please don't cry. I'm okay."

He sniffed one last time, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. "Okay Jeannie. I love you." He smiled up at him, his face red from crying.

I waited to see what he would say to that. Was he the kind of guy to say 'I love you' to his little brother while standing in front of the guy he bullied? Well, I didn't have to wait long for an answer.

"I love you too, kiddo." He smiled and ruffled his hair playfully. He turned to his other brother. "And I love you too, Eren."

Eren smiled up at him, saying a quick, "Love you too, Jay."

I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to make a comment.

"Jeanie? Is that what they call you?" I smiled, hoping that I wasn't annoying him.

He turned towards me and I cowered. But he just smiled and laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. "Yeah. It's Jeanie from Armin and Jay from Eren. And you? Mikasa called you Polo. Is that what she calls you?"

Now it was my turn to smile and laugh. "Yeah, that's my name according to Mikasa. But I don't mind. It's her way of showing that she loves me." I looked down, smiling at the little black haired child currently playing with his brothers.

"Well, just don't tell anyone about what they call me, okay? I'd never live that one down!" He laughed, smiling at me.

I smiled at that. I think that this has been the most I've smiled in, well, forever. "I won't tell anyone, as long as you promise me one thing."

He actually looked scared when I said that. "And that is?"

I laughed at his nervousness before smiling reassuringly. "Just don't tell anyone about what Mikasa calls me, okay? That's all that I ask for."

He let out a sigh, smiling at me. "I won't tell a soul." But then his smile faded.

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly. Did I offend him? I don't think I did anything . . . I hope.

"I just thought that you were going to ask me to leave you alone and to stop bullying you." He gave me a nervous smile.

I looked away, not wanting him to see my pain that was showing itself on my face. "I mean, I'd like that too, but if you have to bully me, I can handle it." I felt a few tears slip down my face and onto my crossed arms.

Pretty soon, I was crying silently, not wanting Mikasa or Jean to see or hear me. But he must have heard me because I was suddenly wrapped in his arms. I froze in shock. The most popular guy in the school, and my crush, was hugging me. But the shock quickly went away and was replaced with sadness. This didn't mean anything to him. He was probably comforting me just so he could break me down at school tomorrow. But the sadness overwhelmed me and I started sobbing in his arms.

I felt his hand stroke my hair slowly, trying to calm me down, while he spoke soft nonsense in my ear.

"It's okay. Just let it all out. I'm here. I'll stop bullying you if you want me to. If it makes you feel this way, I'll stop right now."

"No! I mean, no. It's fine. I can handle it." I pushed myself away from him, not wanting to be in his embrace any longer.

"Marco . . . What's wrong? I promise.  I'll leave you alone from this day forward. You don't need to worry about the other guys who bully you. I'll tell them to leave you alone as well. Just please, tell me what's wrong." He said, holding my arm, preventing me from running away.

I sighed, not knowing how to tell him that I've had a crush on him since 7th grade. "Well, do you want the half-truth or the entire spill-my-guts truth?" I tried to avoid the question for as long as I could.

He gave a little smile, even though he had pain and worry etched on his face. "The half-truth first. Then I'll decide if I want to hear the real truth. Is that alright with you? I want you to be comfortable speaking to me." He released my arm when he was sure that I wouldn't leave.

I sighed, knowing that he would hate me tomorrow. "Well, I don't mind you bullying me is because I just want you to notice me. Is that good enough?" I cringed when I saw him staring at me.

But he just laughed at me, smiling at me. "It's impossible to NOT notice you! I mean, look at you!"

My heart sank when I heard those words. I knew it. He thought I was a freak, just like the rest of the school. I already knew that he felt that way, but hearing him say it just killed me. I turned away from him, not wanting to show the fresh tears that were running down my face. "Yeah. I guess I am pretty noticeable. I mean, everyone knows to stay away from the freak." I choked on that last word, my heart breaking.

I heard him gasp before I was whirled around to face him. I looked down at the ground, not wanting him to see me cry again, only to have my face lifted up by his hand. I was forced to look into his eyes when he did that. Surprisingly, I saw pain and hurt on his face. I thought he would be rejoicing for his success in breaking the freak, not sad. But I didn't have to wait very long for an explanation.

"Marco . . . I meant that I notice you every day."

"Only to bully me." I interrupted.

He sighed. "No. It's because you are the single, most beautiful person that I've ever seen. I only bully you because, well, I haven't progressed from how a seventh grader treats his crush. You know how when little kids, especially boys, like someone? They treat them horribly, teasing them and possibly bullying them. And that's why I bully you. Because I still have the mentality of a middle-schooler who is dealing with a massive crush. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I was speechless. The boy who I've loved since seventh grade just confessed to me. At least, that's what I thought he meant. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. So I quickly closed it and looked away from him. I didn't know what to say to him. I mean, he was probably just screwing with my head, so I didn't want to spill my feelings for him. So I just settled on a simple question that could be answered in multiple ways.

"Why?"

He took in a deep breath, before letting it out in a huge sigh. "Why what, Marco? Please, say something. I know that you now hate me and will avoid me for the rest of senior year, but please, before you leave, tell me what you're thinking, right now." His hands slid off my shoulders as he looked away. I saw a single tear run down his face. I couldn't tell if he was lying or telling the truth. I didn't know anything anymore.

In a spur of the moment decision, I reached to him and brushed his tear away, turning his head towards me while doing so. The look in his eyes killed me. It was pure anguish. I had never seen such pain in someone before, except myself. But I just had to make sure.

"Are you saying that you like me?" I stroked his cheek once, then let my hand fall back to my side.

"No. I don't like you." He paused, my heart breaking at his words. Yet after hearing his last words, my heart was filled with hope, suprise, and shock.

"I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've liked it! Comment on what you liked, didn't like, or what you want to see in the story. I will probably listen to your ideas ^^


	2. Themes: Blood, Pain, Broken Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED, DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER

_LAST TIME_

_"No. I don't like you." He paused, my heart breaking at his words. Yet after hearing his last words, my heart was filled with hope, surprise, and shock._

 " _I love you."_

* * *

 

I stared at him in shock. This couldn't be true. He was just messing with me. All of my hope left me as I stepped away from him slowly, mumbling nonsense and shaking my head the entire time. "No. That's not true. You hate me. You bully me. You like to see me in pain. You can't love me. It's not true. You're lying."

Jean watched me back away from him with tear-filled eyes. "Marco . . . I'm not lying. I swear on my life. I'll swear on anything you want me to. I promise. I'm not lying. Is there anything I can do to make you believe me? Please. I want you to believe me. I know that you probably hate me now, but please, just believe me when I say that I love you . . ." He trailed off, looking down at his brothers playing with Mikasa. He smiled at them sadly, a tear slipping down his cheek.

I collapsed onto the hood of my car, cradling my head in my hands. This wasn't true. This was just a figment of my imagination. I'm probably going to wake up any second. "Wake up . . . You need to wake up . . ." I hit my thigh, trying to wake myself from this horrible fantasy.

Suddenly, I felt Jean gently touch my cheek as he guided me to face him. I didn't have a moment to process anything before he gently kissed me. My eyes flew wide open as his lips touched mine before sliding closed as he slightly deepened the kiss. When he broke the kiss, he kept his hand on my cheek, keeping me in place.

"Now do you believe me?" He whispered softly before kissing my forehead, then nose, then finally my lips.

I stood there silently for a moment before stepping away from him in shock. "This isn't real. It can't be. This all just a sick joke. I can't believe that you would stoop this low, Jean. To play on my feelings? That's just disgusting. Come on, Mikasa. We're leaving." I called out to my youngest sister, grabbing her hand and leading her to her car-seat in the back of my car. "Goodbye, Jean. Have a nice life. And just so you can finally have the final laugh, I have loved you since seventh grade, but that means nothing to you, so just leave me alone. I'll see you at school and I'll have the band-aids ready to patch my wounds from you and your friends. Bye." I said over the hood of my car before getting in and driving away, fresh tears running down my face.

I made the mistake of looking in my rearview mirror, seeing Jean collapse onto the hood of his car, his shoulders shaking with sobs. I quickly tore my gaze back to the road, focusing only on that as I drove to the only place I felt loved; my home.

* * *

"Finally. Home sweet home." I murmured quietly, unlocking our house and stepping into my sanctuary, pulling Mikasa along with me.

"Mikasa? Do you want a snack?" I called out to my sister, already making my way into the kitchen. I knew the answer, but I still felt the need to ask.

Mikasa was already sitting on the couch to watch her cartoons for her hour of free-time when she replied to me. "Sure, Polo. Can I have a popsicle? One of the red ones?" Her high-pitched, child's voice calmed me down slightly, but not enough to convince me not to calm myself in other ways.

"Sure, Mikasa. But you need to come and sit at the table, okay? Mom won't like it if you spill on the carpet." I called back, already hearing the patter of her feet as she came into the kitchen as I pulled out her favorite snack from the freezer.

"Okay, Polo." She sat down at one of the chairs at the table, her feet swinging about a foot off the ground.

I turned to her and my heart melted. She looked so innocent, waiting for me to open her snack, smiling up at me in anticipation. I smiled at her and held up a single finger, silently telling her to hold on. I turned away from her, my smile fading as I searched for the kitchen scissors. I knew when I put them after the last time I needed them, so I quickly grabbed them and cut open her popsicle.

“Here you go, Mikasa.  I hope you like it.”  I smiled at my sister, ruffling her hair slightly.  “I’m going upstairs to do homework.  Come get me if you need anything, okay?  I love you, Mikasa.” I knelt down and kissed her forehead before making my way upstairs.

Once in my room, I quickly locked the door before collapsing on my bed. "This isn't happening. Today was just a dream." I tried to erase the memories of today, but I couldn't get over how his lips felt on mine, the way his arms tightened around me to bring me comfort, the way he cried when I left him . . .

"No! Stop it!" I clutched my head in agony, trying to rid my mind of those thoughts. "Why did you leave? That was all you have ever wanted, right? So why the hell did you leave?!" I berated myself for my stupidity while getting up and walking into my bathroom connected to my bedroom.

"You're an idiot, you know that, right?" I glared at myself in the mirror for a second before bending down and grabbing my favorite item in the world from the cupboard under my sink. I quickly grabbed the band-aids and turned on the water, rolling up my long sleeves to reveal lines upon lines of thin, white scars overlaced with fresh pink ones as well as several, day-old cuts.

"I can't believe you're letting a single guy affect you so much . . ." I trailed off as I gently placed the razor's edge against the pale skin on the inside of my wrist. I slowly dragged it across my skin, a tear falling from my eye to mix with the blood that was seeping out of the fresh cut.

"Damn it. This one is too dull." I muttered, holding my bleeding wrist above the sink as I searched for my back-up razor. When I came up empty handed, I glared at myself in the mirror again.

"You can't even cut right. That's how much of a failure you are . . ." I growled at my reflection, pulling the dull razor across my wrist once again.  And again. And again. I cut until there were about forty cuts, varying in size, all up and down my wrist and forearm.

I sighed, resting my head on my mirror as my wrist bled into the sink beneath me. I looked at myself in the mirror, staring into my dull, lifeless eyes, noting how they soon filled with tears. I tore my gaze from my empty eyes to my bloody wrist, entranced by the way that the blood was still flowing down into the drain. After a few moments of staring, I looked away, knowing that I had to get the cuts cleaned and bandaged before doing anything else tonight.

I turned the still flowing water into a gentler stream and began to rinse off my arm, wincing a little as the water stung my cuts.  Once clean, I gently patted my wrist dry and reached for the band-aids. The box felt lighter than usual, and a quick look inside confirmed my worst fears. The box was empty. And that meant that I now had to go to the store and buy more with a bunch of cuts on my arm.

I growled in annoyance, pulling down my sleeve to cover my mutilated arm as I prepared to go out. Looking at the time, I noticed that Christa and Bertholdt would be home soon, so I wouldn’t be leaving Mikasa alone. And as if on cue, I heard two of my siblings open up the front door as they came home from the middle school, chattering about their days to each other.

I sighed in relief, knowing that I wouldn’t have to leave my littlest sister alone while I went out to buy things to further my horrible habit. I checked my sleeves again, making sure that they covered everything, before unlocking my door and slowly walking downstairs.

“Heya Marco!” Christa shouted over her shoulder as she grabbed her own popsicle from the freezer.

“Hey, Christa.” I forced a smile onto my face, even though I knew that she couldn’t see me. “And hello, Bertholdt.” I walked over to my brother and hugged his shoulders softly.

“Hi Marco.” Bertholdt smiled up at me before bending down to finish untying his shoes. Once they were off, he stood up and walked over to the pantry, grabbing some pop-tarts before sitting down at the table with Christa and Mikasa.

I forced another smile on my face as I turned to my siblings. “Guys? I’m going to go to the store quickly. Do you need anything?” I grabbed my keys from the counter where I had left them after returning home, walking to the door after I picked them up.

“Nope! I’m good, Marco!”

“There’s nothing I want, Marco.”

“Just come back soon, okay Polo?”

I actually smiled a little as I listened to their responses. “Okay guys. Be safe. No leaving the house or letting people in, okay? Christa, you’re in charge. Bertholdt, Mikasa, you guys listen to her. Be nice to each other, okay? If anything happens or you need to get a hold of me, call my cell phone. The number is on the fridge. I love you guys.” I walked over to the table, hugging them all one last time, listening to the chorus of “I love you” before leaving my house.

Once in my car, I let myself break down as I pulled out of the driveway. Tears streaming down my face, I drove as fast as I legally could to the nearest pharmacy. I pulled into the parking lot, parked, and turned off my car quickly. I rested my head on the steering wheel, trying to slow my tears before I entered a public place. I took a deep breath in and let it out in a large sigh. Wiping my eyes on the end of my slightly blood-stained sleeve, I got out of my car, locked it, and walked into the pharmacy.

* * *

Inside the pharmacy, life was normal. I was a simple high school senior with nothing wrong in his life. But on the inside, I was breaking apart.

I sighed slightly, heading towards the first aid section, looking over the selection of band-aids and antibiotic ointments. I glanced quickly at my clothed cuts, silently picturing how many bandages I would need to cover my arm and how many I would need in the future. I decided on several different types of bandages, just to make sure I had the cuts completely covered. I grabbed gauze, tape, large band-aids, a pack of multi-sized band-aids, and a large tube of antibiotic ointment. I placed all of those into a basket that I had picked up on my way into the store and then headed over to the shaving section.

When I reached the aisle, I quickly looked around, making sure that no one would see me picking up some old-fashioned razor blades with band-aids already in my basket. I grabbed the first pack that I saw, placed it into my basket, and then headed over to the candy aisle. Once there, I grabbed my siblings’ favorite candies and then headed to the check-out.

Standing in line, I looked and spoke to no one. I didn’t want anyone questioning me or my purchases. So after my items were rung up, I paid quickly and then hurried out of the store. My head was down, avoiding everyone, so I didn’t see the person until it was too late. I collided with someone, falling to the floor with my purchases spilling out around me.

“Shit.” I muttered under my breath, scrambling to get the razors and band-aids hidden from sight.

“Marco?” A man’s voice questioned me.

I froze immediately. I knew that voice. It belonged to the man that haunted my dreams at night, my tormentor, my bully, my love. He was the guy that indirectly caused these purchases.

Jean.


	3. Themes: Seeking Solace, Tears, Drive

_LAST TIME_  

_“Shit.” I muttered under my breath, scrambling to get the razors and band-aids hidden from sight._

_“Marco?” A man’s voice questioned me._

_I froze immediately. I knew that voice. It belonged to the man that haunted my dreams at night, my tormentor, my bully, my love. He was the guy that indirectly caused these purchases._

_Jean._

* * *

“Marco? Is that you?” Jean asked again, concern coloring his voice.

 _'Shit. What do I do? I can’t let him see me like this. Shit.'_ I thought to myself as I muttered a quick “yes” before quickly scooping my purchases back into their bag, trying to get out of this situation as quickly as I could. I hoped that he hadn't seen what had spilled onto the ground, but I wasn't that lucky.

“Marco . . . Why did you buy those things?” He stood up, letting me push the evidence of my horrible habit into my bag before grabbing my arm and pulling me up to face him.

I winced as he grabbed onto my arm, right above the fresh cuts. When I had fallen, the light covering of dried blood had broken above the cuts, causing them to bleed. I silently prayed that he would let go quickly so he wouldn't feel the blood slowly seeping through my sleeve.

While my arm bled underneath his hand, I rolled my eyes at the concern and worry in his eyes, knowing that it was only to further break me. “Why do you think, Jean? I'm sure you can't be that dull to think that I don't cope in some way from the torment that I am put through day after day. So use your imagination. What could someone be doing buying razors and band-aids?" I replied sarcastically, glaring at him while I tried to tug my injured arm away from his hand. But his grip was too tight and pulling only increased the slow and steady stream of blood from my arm. _'Shit. Now he's bound to feel something . . .'_

"Marco . . . I had no idea that you -" His voice trailed off as he released my arm, looking at his palm, stained red with my blood, before glancing at my wrist and then up at me. "We are going somewhere and talking right now. I won't take no for an answer." His voice was nearly a growl as he grabbed my bag from me before stalking off to his car.

I stared at him in shock. There was no way that this was real. I contemplated leaving my bag with him and driving to a different store, but that idea was quickly shredded as Jean realized that I wasn't following him.

"I would rather not make a scene, but if you don't get over here right now, I swear to God I will go over there and carry you to my car." And as if to make that threat a possible reality, he turned around and started walking towards me again.

I sighed, completely giving up on everything, as I slowly walked over to him. Once I stood next to him, he wrapped one arm around my shoulder and guided me to his car, opening the door for me when we got there. I stared at him for a moment, not understanding his kindness, before simply whispering "thanks" and stepping into his car. I watched him walk around the back of his car, wincing slightly as he opened the rear door and roughly threw my bag into the backseat. I turned towards him as he opened his door and sat down, opening my mouth to speak only to be interrupted by him.

"Marco, don't you dare say anything right now. I need to think for a second." He sighed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on the steering wheel.

I sat in silence, staring at him for a second before letting my head fall into my hands, my shoulders shaking in silent sobs. _'Oh God. He's going to tell everyone. Maybe I should finally commit suic- . . . '_ My depressing thoughts were interrupted by the shattering of the silence that had filled the car.

"We're getting ice cream and then going to the park. We're going to be there for a while, so make arrangements for someone to take care of your siblings while you're gone, okay? Call someone right now. I will drop you off at your car when we're done, so you don't have to worry about someone picking it up. Unless you want someone to. Then I'll drop you off at your house." With the end of his speech, he started his car and began driving to the nearest Dairy Queen.

I stared at him in shock. I didn't understand why he was being so nice to me, but I wasn't going to take this for granted. So I picked up my phone, tears still running down my face, and slowly dialed my mother's cell phone.

"Hey Mom? I'm going to be out late with a friend tonight, okay? Will you be home soon? I left Christa in charge, but I don't want anything to happen to anyone while no adult is there. What time will you be home? Should I call a babysitter?" My words came out in a rush, and I silently hoped that my mom could understand it.

"That's okay, Marco. Go have fun with your friend. I'm leaving the office now, so I'll be home in about fifteen minutes. Call Christa and let her know that I'll be there soon. And don't worry about a curfew. Stay out as late as you want. Just be quiet when you get back, okay? And if you want to spend the night, go ahead. Just call us before and make sure that you get to school on time tomorrow. Have fun, Sweetie!"

My mother's calm voice soothed some of my fears. I understood her reasoning for letting me stay out late. She wanted me to have a friend for the first time in my life. I smiled slightly at her happiness, feeling slightly better.

"Thanks, Mom. I promise to be quiet when I come home. And I'll be sure to call you if I stay out all night. Thank you for understanding, Mom. Have a nice night. I love you." I whispered into the phone, hearing an "I love you" in return, before ending the call.

I turned towards Jean, taking notice of the scowl on his face and the white skin over his knuckles from his tight grip of the steering wheel. I immediately shrunk down in my seat, feeling even worse now knowing that I had pissed him off. I didn't want anyone to find out. This was supposed to be a secret from everyone, especially him. I turned away from him and stared out the window for a second, silent tears running down my face, before I remembered that I had to call Christa. I slowly dialed our house number and waited for her to pick up.

"Heya Marco! What's up?" Her happy voice filled my ear, causing me to smile slightly.

"Hey Christa. I was calling to let you know that Mom will be home in about fifteen minutes. I'm going to hang out with a friend for a little while, so I won't be back anytime soon. So be safe and stay in charge until Mom comes home, okay?"

"Okie dokie Marco! Don't worry about us. I can take care of us until Mom comes home. Have fun with your friend! I love you, Marco!"

I could hear the smile in her voice as I said a quick "I love you" and then a "good-bye" before ending the call. I glanced back at Jean, seeing that his posture hadn't changed at all during my conversation. I felt more tears slide down my cheeks before I buried my face in my hands.

"I'm sorry, Marco. I had no idea. If I had known, I would have stopped bullying you. I'm so sorry for not realizing that you were in pain. I hope that you will forgive me eventually, though I know that I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you. I am so sorry for everything."

I lifted my head and stared at Jean in shock. ' _Why is he apologizing? And is that a . . . tear?'_ I thought to myself, as I watched his single tear slowly turn into a steady stream running down his face. I winced slightly, sinking down further into my seat as I watched him roughly wipe away his tears.

"Goddammit Marco! Say something! Anything!" He yelled, pulling into the Dairy Queen parking lot. Then his voice lowered as he rested his head on the steering wheel again. "Just tell me what you're thinking right now. Please."

I flinched at his outburst before staring in shock at the worry in his voice. But the fear and embarrassment took over and I buried my face in my hands before speaking softly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want anyone to find out, especially you. I know you probably think I'm a disgusting excuse for a human now, so I'm sorry for being an awful person. I don't deserve your worry or care. I'm sorry for being so screwed up." By the end of my little speech, tears were streaming down my face, overflowing from my hands and onto my jeans. But as I was suddenly enveloped in his arms, all of my sadness and frustration came pouring out of me. The force of my sobs was shaking my body as I cried into his chest; his only response was to pull me closer to him.

"Marco . . . Shhh . . . It's okay. I'm here. Let it all out. It's going to be okay. You'll get through this." His hand rubbed my back soothingly, trying to make me feel better. "I'm going to help you to stop, okay? I don't want you hurting yourself anymore. You are too beautiful to be harming your body."

I felt a few tears hit my head before I realized that he was crying again. But his words only caused more sadness and confusion inside me. I didn't know what he was trying to do to me, but the hug grounded me into the moment. I clutched his shirt in my hands, needing to feel safe as my world came crashing down upon me. He pulled me closer into him with one arm while he moved his seat backwards with the other, unbuckling me and pulling me into his lap once there was room, my long legs barely fitting into the shared seat. My eyes widened in shock as I was suddenly on my crush’s lap, before the sadness took over again as I curled up against him, sobbing my heart out.

“Marco . . . I have to know . . . Why did you do this today?” Jean gently peeled me away from his chest and took my hand in his, rolling up my bloodstained sleeve to expose my cuts, even though I tried to stop him. He gasped in shock as he took in the countless cuts that littered my wrist and arm, looking up at me with tear-filled eyes. “Oh Marco . . . I’m so sorry . . .”

My only response was to simply bow my head in shame as I answered him. “I did this because I was hurt, confused, frustrated, and just saddened by our exchange at the elementary school. I thought you were just messing with me and trying to break me down like you and your friends do every day at school. I thought you knew about how I cared for you and that you were using that to hurt me. I . . . I don’t know. I was just sad. And this is how I deal with my sadness.” I gestured to my wrist. “I just want to leave. I want to curl up and sleep forever. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’m done.” I felt more tears slip down my cheeks and fall onto my lap as I kept my head bowed, not wanting to see Jean’s reaction.

There were many things that I expected, but Jean kissing my cuts with tears streaming down his face was not one of them. I stared at him in shock, not understanding why he was being so kind to me.

“Marco . . . I don’t want you to leave. I need you to stay here, with me.” Jean let my arm fall limply at my side as he pulled me close to him, holding me tight against his chest. His arms wrapped around me and his hands clenched my shirt, almost as if he was making sure that I was still here with him.

“I heard you talking to your mom about staying the night with a friend.” He mumbled, burying his head under my chin. “I want you to stay the night at my place. I need to make sure that you’re safe, that you won’t do this again. I need to keep you with me. I don’t want you leaving, not ever. I won’t let you leave me.”

I could feel his tears soaking my shirt, but I didn’t care about that. I rolled down my sleeve to cover my cuts before wrapping my arms around Jean, holding him close. Laying my head on top of his, I let my tears slowly stop as I rubbed his back comfortingly, trying to get him to feel better.

“I’ll stay at your house. But I need to get overnight stuff ready and take my car back to my house. So if you drop me off at my car and then follow me to my house, you can take me back to your house when I’m done. Is that okay?” I murmured into Jean’s hair, trying to reassure myself that my decision was really the best one for me right now.

Jean lifted his head so quickly that I didn’t have time to move my own head and he ended up hitting my chin. Hard.

“Ow. Shit.” Jean looked at me in wonder and slight disbelief, almost like he didn’t think I would actually agree to spend the night at his house. “You’ll really spend the night?” His face broke into a wide smile as he clutched me against his chest, hugging me tightly. He pulled back though, just to make sure. “You’re sure about this? You actually want to spend the night?”

A stray tear slipped down his cheek and, after a second of hesitation, I reached up and brushed the tear away, my hand lingering on his cheek afterwards. Then, before I had a chance to second guess myself, I gently kissed Jean, pulling back quickly, my blush barely visible underneath redness caused by crying so much. But doing that was completely worth the look on Jean’s face. His eyes were wide as he looked at me with wonder and . . . love? He was speechless for a moment before breaking into a wide grin.

“Well then.” Jean laughed in slight awkwardness. “So ummm . . . Do you still want ice cream? I’ll only go through the drive thru because I really don’t want people to see that I’ve been crying . . .” He trailed off, laughing a little bit more.

I smiled at him, laying my head on his chest again, sighing in contentment. “We’re here, so why not?” I murmured, snuggling closer to Jean for a second before, unwillingly, sliding back over to my seat. I laughed slightly at Jean’s slightly dazed look when he realized that I wasn’t on his lap any more. I made a ‘to hell with it’ split second decision when I leaned over to whisper, as sensually as I could, in his ear. “I want a small chocolate cone dipped in chocolate.”

I have never seen someone pull out of a parking space that quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but I just had to end it there. It was too good of a place to end it and it was getting to be a pretty long chapter.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> Please comment on what you liked, didn't like, or want to happen in the story!
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! :)


	4. Themes: Smile, Family, Keeping a Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we have the ice cream "date" and then Jean gets to meet Marco's family before they go to his house for the sleepover. How does the "date" go? How will Marco's family react to Jean? Read on to find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a kinda long chapter. Sorry guys.
> 
> Nothing really bad here. Just a make-out session (which is kept short by Marco's inexperience) and a few cuss words.
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story when you finish! I hope you enjoy! :)

_LAST TIME_

_I smiled at him, laying my head on his chest again, sighing in contentment. “We’re here, so why not?” I murmured, snuggling closer to Jean for a second before, unwillingly, sliding back over to my seat. I laughed slightly at Jean’s slightly dazed look when he realized that I wasn’t on his lap any more. I made a ‘to hell with it’ split second decision when I leaned over to whisper, as sensually as I could, in his ear. “I want a small chocolate cone dipped in chocolate.”_

_I have never seen someone pull out of a parking space that quickly._

* * *

I laughed and hung onto my armrest as Jean almost spun out trying to get out of the parking space in such a hurry.  I stifled my giggles as Jean quickly ordered my chocolate cone dipped in chocolate and a peanut butter sundae for himself. Jean glared at me when I let out a small snort when he stuttered during the order, that only causing me to laugh harder, much to his embarrassment.

“Goddammit Marco! Will you just shut up for a minute?!” Jean whisper-yelled at me, scowling, though his mouth twitched, threatening to turn into a grin while his voice held no anger at all. His outburst only caused my giggles to explode into full-blown laughs, happy tears beginning to form in my eyes. I saw Jean’s internal struggle to not laugh with me and simply smiled widely through my laughter when he let out a small laugh, rolling his eyes at me.

“Dammit Marco! You’re killing me here!” He playfully shoved my shoulder, smiling the entire time. He pulled up to the next window to pay, grabbing our ice-cream when it was handed to him. Jean handed me my cone and kept his sundae for himself, pulling back into a parking spot so he wouldn’t have to eat and drive at the same time.

I smiled at Jean, biting a hole in the chocolate coating and sucking some of the melting ice-cream out through the hole. I attempted to look sexy while eating my ice-cream, and thought I was failing miserably until I noticed Jean staring at me, completely ignoring his sundae. I laughed lightly, dipping my finger into my ice-cream then gently tapping him on the nose, leaving a small drop of ice-cream on him. He went cross-eyed trying to follow my finger, that only resulting in me laughing harder. Jean glared at me, wiping off his nose before doing the same to me with his vanilla ice-cream, smiling happily when he leaned back to observe his work.

I stared cross-eyed at my nose in slight shock. I didn’t think that Jean would actually participate in my odd way of flirting, so his actions took me by surprise. I slowly uncrossed my eyes to stare at Jean again. He was still smiling, though it was quickly fading with my lack of a reaction. So I simply smiled at him, laughing slightly, trying to put his mind at ease. But my smile faltered slightly when Jean began leaning in to kiss me. I knew that we had kissed before, but those were random quick kisses when one of us was crying or confused. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be kissed romantically by someone who I was hoping would soon be my boyfriend. I wanted to, but I didn’t at the same time. So I just sat still as Jean leaned closer and closer until he . . . licked the ice cream off of my nose. I couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed, a small huff of air escaping my nose quietly. But that silent sound of frustration was noticed by Jean who chuckled slightly in response 

“Did you want me to kiss you?” He smiled, leaning back so he could see my whole face.

I turned away from Jean, feeling my face heat up in was I was sure to be a bright and obvious blush, as I nodded slightly, my blush darkening even more. I heard him chuckle slightly before I felt his cold hand on my warm cheek, his hand gently turning me to face him once more. I dropped my gaze, not wanting to meet his eyes while my dark blush still adorned my face.

“Hey. Look at me, Marco.” Jean’s voice was surprisingly soft and gentle as he slowly stroked my cheek with his thumb. I raised my gaze to meet his warm eyes as he smiled at me before continuing. “I know I’ve kissed you before, but that was when I was trying to get a point across. And that ended up hurting you badly . . .” He trailed off, glancing at my wrist quickly before meeting my gaze again. “If I could take it back, I would. If I had known that my kiss would have had that outcome, I wouldn’t have kissed you.”

I stiffened slightly. Did that mean that Jean had never wanted to kiss me? Did he not like me? Was this all a lie? I shook my head free of his hand as I slowly leaned away from Jean, the hurt showing deep in my eyes. I sniffed slightly, feeling the tears beginning to well up in my eyes.

I saw the confusion on Jean’s face as I distanced myself from him, seeing it turn to horror when he realized that he had hurt me once more. He hurriedly placed his sundae haphazardly on the dashboard before turning back to me, taking my face in between his hands.

“Marco. Whatever you’re thinking right now, it’s wrong.” Jean’s voice was serious, his grip tightening slightly when I tried to shake free of his hands. “Marco. I want to kiss you. I want to be with you. I am dead serious. I meant that if I had known that me kissing you would hurt you so much that you felt the need to self-harm, I wouldn’t have, even though I wanted to. I meant it when I said that I loved you. I do, Marco. I love you. So freaking much. But I don’t want to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you . . .” He trailed off again, looking at me, his eyes pleading with me to believe him.

I opened my mouth to speak, to deny everything he was saying, but Jean cut me off quickly, wanting to explain more.

“Marco, listen to me. I didn’t kiss you just now because I didn’t want you to think that I was just making things up. I didn’t want to hurt you again. I didn’t kiss you because I want you to know that I’m serious about you. I don’t want this to be a one-time thing. I want something long-lasting with you. And we can’t have that if I keep hurting you. So that’s why I didn’t kiss you. I didn’t want to push you away. If you want me to, then I will. I just didn’t want to take any chances of hurting y-”

I had heard enough of Jean’s reasoning. So I quickly shut him up with a firm kiss to his mouth. When I pulled back, I smiled slightly at Jean’s shocked face, knowing that it was all my doing. I pressed my lips against his again, gentler this time, before pulling back again and explaining myself.

“You talk too much.” I stated simply, leaning in for a third kiss. I slowed my actions, giving Jean an opportunity to pull back or push me away if he didn’t want this, which was what I was expecting, to be honest. So when Jean met me half-way for the kiss, I was shocked.

I managed to keep one hand on my cone while I threaded my other hand in Jean’s hair, trying to keep myself tied to him as his lips moved sensually with mine. I felt one of Jean’s hands move from my cheek to my neck while the other fell to rest on my upper arm, the feeling causing me to shiver slightly. But when Jean tentatively ran his tongue along my bottom lip, gently asking permission, my whole body shuddered as I slowly opened my mouth. I honestly had no clue what to do, since this was my first “real” kiss. So I simply tried to stay out of Jean’s way as he gently mapped out my mouth, moving only when he had finished and was silently begging me to dance with him. But before I could, I broke the kiss to gasp for breath, having not yet mastered the art of breathing and kissing at the same time.

I sat back in my seat in shock, not believing that I had just made out with my long-time crush in the front seat of his car. I looked over at Jean, seeing the same shocked-yet-happy look on his face. When his eyes met mine, we both smiled before laughing breathlessly, too overwhelmed with the intensity of the kiss to be able to verbalize anything in that moment.

After we had both gotten our breath back, I smiled again at Jean, laughing slightly. “Wow. I did not expect that at all.” I said quietly, my face a bright red. I glanced down at my cone in my hand, letting out a muffled curse when I realized that it was melting all over my hand and was about to run onto the leather seat of Jean’s car. I quickly unbuckled my seat and opened my door, running to the nearest trashcan to hurriedly throw the mess away. Walking back to the car, I smiled sheepishly at Jean, feeling bad that I had run off right after we had finished kissing.

“Napkin please?” I asked softly, looking off to the side, slightly embarrassed. I looked back at Jean in shock when I felt him take a napkin and begin to clean off my hand himself. I was about to stammer that he didn’t have to do that for me, but a swift kiss from Jean silenced me. So I sat in silence as I watched Jean wipe off the chocolate ice cream with extreme tenderness that I never knew he possessed. When he was finished, Jean kissed my knuckles gently, looking up at me with eyes overflowing with love.

“Marco . . . I love you . . .” He murmured softly, smiling gently at me, unembarrassed about his confession.

I stared at him in shock for a moment before returning the kind smile. I leaned over and kissed Jean’s forehead, murmuring a quiet “I love you too” before pulling away, blushing.

Jean looked shocked at my confession for a moment, but then his bright smile returned to his face as he gathered me in his arms. He hugged me tightly, releasing me after a few seconds to start his car.

“I’m not really hungry for the ice cream any more, actually. And I kinda want to show you around my house. So do you mind if we go back to the pharmacy and I follow you to your house? I’ll wait wherever you want while you pack then I’ll take you back to my house, okay? Are you still sure that you want to stay over?” His last question came out slightly quieter than the others, almost as though he didn’t want me to hear it.

“I’m sure that I want to stay over.” I smiled at Jean, trying to put his mind at ease. “Now let’s go.”

* * *

When I pulled into my garage, Jean pulling into the driveway behind me, I noticed that both of my parent’s cars were in the garage. I swallowed nervously. I had only expected my mom to be home and I knew that Jean could deal with her. But my dad? I shuddered. I didn’t want to think about that right now. But I figured that it would be best to just get it over with, so I hurriedly exited my car, walking out of the garage and down the driveway to get to Jean’s car. I motioned for him to come with me, waiting a few moments for him to turn off and leave his car, before heading up to my front door.

“Okay. Both my mom and dad are home. Dad is kinda cold and aloof and mom is just . . . well . . . you’ll see.” I quickly told Jean in hushed tones as we neared my door, stopping on the welcome mat for me to pull out my keys. I looked sideways at Jean, seeing him nod, before unlocking and opening the door.

“Marco!” My mother bounded up from the kitchen table and ran to me, pulling me into a tight hug. “I thought that you said you were going to be with a friend tonight? What happened? Are you not seeing them?” She rushed all of her thoughts into one breath, still slightly crushing me in her arms. Turning her head to the side, she caught sight of Jean.

“Oh? You brought him here?” My mom quickly let go of me to go inspect Jean. “You must be Marco’s friend! Hi Marco’s friend! I’m Hanji, Marco’s mom!” She walked in circles around Jean, looking at him from every angle all while talking in her own hyperactive way.

The look that Jean sent me was absolutely hilarious. His eyes were practically screaming “Help me!” and it took all of my strength not to break down into laughter right in front of my mom. But in the end, I decided to help him out a little.

“Mom. Chill.” I placed a hand on her shoulder, getting her to face me. When her attention was focused on me, I called out to the rest of my family. “Guys? There’s someone I want you to meet. Can you please come to the kitchen?” I paused for a moment before adding one last thought. “You too, dad.”

The sounds of several pairs of quick footsteps quickly filled the house as my three siblings came to the kitchen from all corners of the house, followed by the almost silent footsteps of my father. When my family had all entered the kitchen, I began to introduce them to Jean.

“This is Christa, the oldest of my siblings and of the female children.” I walked over to Christa and hugged her shoulders, smiling at her wide grin.

“Heya! Just like Marco said, I’m Christa! It’s nice to meet you, Marco’s friend!”

Her happy and bubbly personality caused everyone to smile, me especially as I moved on to hug Bertholdt, planning on introducing him next.

“This is Bertholdt, the third child and the only other boy.” I smiled down at him, nudging him gently when he continued to look down at the floor. “Hey Bertholdt?” I whispered so only he could hear. “Can you please say hello?”

“H-Hello . . .” Bertholdt murmured quietly, looking like he wanted the kitchen floor to swallow him whole at the moment. So I simply hugged him tighter before moving onto Mikasa.

I opened my mouth to introduce Mikasa, even though Jean had already partially met her earlier that day, but she beat me to speaking first, her normally happy voice stern and upset.

“You're Eren and Armin's older brother. And you made Polo cry today. You're a big meanie." Mikasa’s face was stony as she walked up to Jean and swiftly kicked him in the shin before storming off into the living room.

I winced for two reasons, one being that I had been on the receiving end of Mikasa’s shin-kicks many times and man did they hurt like hell, the second being for the awkward silence that followed her exit. I looked up at Jean, silently apologizing through my gaze before tapping my mom’s shoulder, gesturing that I was going to go talk to Mikasa. I saw her nod once before I looked back a Jean, pleading him to behave while I left to talk to her. I winced once more before I ran out of the room in search of Mikasa.

* * *

Jean’s POV

_‘Shit! What is Marco doing?! He’s leaving me with his family who just heard that I made him cry? God, I am so fucked . . .’_ My internal monologue was interrupted by Mrs. Bodt clearing her throat.

“Well, then.” She began, “I didn't get your name. You've heard my name, and you’ve met Christa and Bertholdt. The little one who kicked you is Mikasa and this is my husband, Levi." She finished by pointing to the short, dark-haired man standing in the corner of the kitchen.

I nervously scratched the back of my neck, not knowing how to begin _. ‘Well, I should probably start with my name . . .’_ I thought before speaking.

“My name is Jean. Jean Kirschtein. It’s a pleasure to meet you all.” I tried to smile slightly, wanting to seem friendly, but my smile died when Marco’s dad slowly made his way over to me, a dark look on his face. When Levi stood in front of me, it hit me just how short Marco’s dad was. Even though I was looking down on him, he still terrified the living shit out of me. He glared up at me and I mentally cowered. And when he spoke, his words chilled me to the bone.

“If you ever even think about hurting my son, I know many ways how to kill a man and how to get away with it.” He whispered so that only I could hear before turning on his heels and silently walking away.

I stared after him in shock and horror, fully aware of the “what the fuck” look that was currently on my face. I seriously wanted to know what was with this guy, and that was answered when his wife spoke up.

“I don’t know what Levi specifically said to you, but going by the look on your face, it was probably something along the lines of a death-threat.” Hanji began, ushering Christa and Bertholdt out of the room so she could be alone with me. When we were alone, she continued.

“Levi is the leader of all of the police forces in this county and the ones that border it. He is actually very protective of his family despite his cold demeanor. So that's why he gave you that death-threat.” She sighed deeply, rubbing her temples as if to ward off a headache. “What I am going to tell you, you are not to tell Marco, got it? Otherwise, I will set Levi on you.” She glared at me as if to prove her point before continuing.

“Levi and I have noticed that Marco’s personality has become much more subdued and more depressed. We’ve noticed that he’s been coming home with bruises and band-aids covering cuts that weren’t there before he left for school. We’ve also noticed that he began wearing long sleeves all the time, even in the summer, for at least the past four years, possibly longer.” She sighed, rubbing her eyes under her glasses. “I don’t know what you are to Marco and frankly, I don’t care. I just want him to be happy. So whether you are his friend, best friend, boyfriend, whatever, just make sure he stays happy. He isn’t coming to us for help, so if he comes to you, please, help him to the best of your abilities. And if it gets too much, please, come to us. I just want my son to be okay. That’s all . . .” She trailed off as Marco and Mikasa entered the room once more, instantly becoming her happy and perky self again.

“Mom. Jean. Mikasa has something she wants to say to Jean, don’t you, Mikasa?” I saw Marco gently nudge the girl who was holding his hand in an attempt to get her to speak. I almost smiled when I heard her hurriedly mumbled apology before she pulled away from Marco and ran into the living room once more. I smiled at Marco when I heard him sigh wearily, trying to bring him some sort of comfort.

“Well, that could have gone better . . ." Marco murmured, staring at the floor awkwardly, looking up when his mom began talking.

“So why did you come back here? I thought you were hanging out with your friend?" She questioned gently.

Marco sighed before replying, looking completely worn out. "Well, I decided to spend the night at Jean’s house. So I needed clothes, and I thought that he should meet some of the family, so we came here first. Oh! And I had to drop off my car and get my backpack."

I nodded my confirmation, letting her know that it was perfectly fine for him to come over in my books. I smiled slightly when I heard Hanji’s response, knowing that Marco’s family truly loved him.

“Oh! I won’t stall you then! Go pack and have fun!” She nearly shouted, gently pushing Marco towards the stairs, smiling the whole time.

When Marco smiled back at his mom, his whole face lit up and he looked truly happy for the first time today. I smiled at that, glad that he was finally happy. My smile faltered slightly when I was pushed towards the stairs, just like Marco had been, it returning when he took my hand and pulled me towards his room.

* * *

Marco’s POV

I couldn’t look at Jean. I just couldn’t. I knew that mom had been talking about me to Jean before I had come in with Mikasa. I didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes. So I silently grabbed my duffle bag and began throwing some pajamas, clothes for tomorrow, my chargers and my electronics, and anything else I deemed necessary for the sleepover into the bag. I grabbed a fresh shirt to change into instead of the bloody one that I had on now.

I then left Jean standing in the middle of my bedroom to pack up my toiletries in my bathroom, realizing when I got there that the bloody razor was still on the counter. I quickly glanced at Jean, noticing that he was looking around my room, before hurriedly cleaning off the razor before placing it back in its proper spot underneath my sink. I nearly sighed in relief before I remembered Jean and the fact that I couldn’t draw attention to my favorite item in the world.  So I quickly changed my shirt and packed up my toothbrush and toothpaste and quickly walked back into my room, running into Jean in the doorway.

I felt Jean’s arms wrap around me, pulling me in close to him. One of his hands came up to stroke my hair, attempting to sooth me and make me feel loved, before he softly whispered in my ear. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I know.” I murmured as I hugged him tighter. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that this is so long. I didn't mean for it to end up being almost 4,000 words. And when I tried to find a spot to split it into two, the chapters just got really short. So I decided that keeping it long would be best.
> 
> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on! :)


	5. Themes: Misfortune, Teamwork, Multitasking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel kinda bad saying this, but this chapter wrote itself and it turned out to be almost completely filler. I feel really bad about it. Sorry guys.
> 
> In the chapter, you learn more about Marco and Jean as people as well as getting to see Jean being tormented by his family. This chapter has sad parts, but as always, things will always be okay and happy in the end. It's a really long chapter, so I hope you don't mind.
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter five of Is It Love? :)

_LAST TIME_

_I felt Jean’s arms wrap around me, pulling me in close to him. One of his hands came up to stroke my hair, attempting to sooth me and make me feel loved, before he softly whispered in my ear. “It’s going to be okay.”_

_“I know.” I murmured as I hugged him tighter. “I know.”_

* * *

I hugged Jean for a moment longer before I let him go so I could pack my backpack with my books for tomorrow. When I stood up again, I picked up my duffle bag and settled my backpack on my shoulders before looking at Jean again.

“Ready?” I asked quietly, gesturing to the door. I was reluctant to leave the safety of my bedroom, almost regretting telling everyone that I was going to spend the night at Jean’s house. I didn’t want this to be a one-time thing, and even though Jean said that it wasn’t going to be that, I still had the suspicion that this was all going to disappear tomorrow at school. I stared at Jean for a moment, silently panicking and going to pieces in my head, before lowering my head to stare at the floor as I moved past him to the door. But I was stopped by Jean’s arms around me.

“Marco. It’s going to be okay. I’m not going to hurt you. We’re just going to go to my house and spend the night together. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I will protect you. So stop worrying about everything.” Jean rested his head on my shoulder as he hugged me tighter, trying to convey his sincerity through his embrace.

“I need to know this for sure. Is this a one-time thing? Or are you looking for something that will last? Please answer honestly.” I turned my head away from him, staring at the corner of my room, wanting and not wanting the answer at the same time.

“Marco. Look at me.” Jean moved so that he was standing in my line of sight and gently tipped my head up to face him. “I’ll say this again and I will say it as many times as you need to hear it for you to believe it. I want to be with you until you no longer want me. This is not a one-time thing. Honestly? To me, I want this to be a forever thing. I don’t want to leave you and I don’t want you to leave me. God Marco. I don’t think I could ever leave you. Please believe me.” He wrapped his arms around me once more.

I was speechless after everything that he said. I wasn’t sure if I fully believed him, but his words eased some of my fears for the moment. I leaned into his hug, embracing him tightly, relaxing in his hold.

“Can we go please? I’ve met your family, so now I want you to meet mine.” Jean murmured in my ear, his warm breath causing me to shudder. I nodded, reluctantly pulling away from him, before leading him out of my room and back downstairs.

“We’re leaving now. I’ll see you guys later. I love you all.” I called out, hesitating in the doorway to hear any responses.

“Have fun Marco! Love you!” That was Christa.

“Bye, Marco. I love you.” Bertholdt.

“Be safe, Polo.” Mikasa.

“Remember your training, Marco.” Dad.

My mom was still in the kitchen, so she bounded up and hugged me tightly, whispering in my ear. “Marco. Please be safe but have fun, okay? Call us if you need someone. I love you, Sweetie.” She squeezed me a little before letting go to shove both me and Jean out the door. “Bye guys!”

When the door shut, leaving us alone on the porch, I glanced sideways at Jean, not knowing what to do next. But he just smiled at me and took my hand, leading me to his car. Being the gentleman he was, he took my bags and placed them in his trunk before opening up the passenger door for me. This time, I got in without hesitation. When he got in and started the car, he looked at me quickly before slowly backing out of the driveway.

“What was that about training that you dad mentioned?” Jean glanced at me curiously before focusing back on the road.

I laughed slightly, not knowing how to word my explanation. “Well, I’m assuming that my mom told you what my dad does for a living. If not, he’s the head police officer of this county and the surrounding counties. So, growing up with a cop dad, the first child needs to be prepared for anything so he can protect his future siblings. So let’s just say that since I could walk, I’ve been in several different martial arts as well as being trained by my dad. I am a third degree black belt in karate, third degree black belt in Judo, second degree black belt in Jujutsu, and since there’s no belt system in Kendo, I’ll just say that I’ve been doing it since I was five.” I laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of my head nervously. “And that’s not even with being trained as a police trainee by your father . . .” I trailed off, seeing Jean looking at me in shock before shuddering and looking back at the road.

“Wow.” Jean looked like he was struggling for words before he suddenly glared at the road, his voice becoming slightly dangerous. “So you could defend yourself all these years. You could probably beat all of us to a pulp without breaking a sweat. Why didn’t you defend yourself? You just cowered and let us hurt you! We’ve given you countless bruises! We’ve fucking made you bleed! Why?! Why didn’t you do anything!?” His voice was a growl, his knuckles white as they clenched the steering wheel.

I winced and curled in on myself, already feeling tears pricking my eyes at his outburst. I knew that it was an awful idea to tell him, but he did ask. I felt the tears start to fall as I buried my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking in silent sobs.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry.” My voice broke on the last word, my throat becoming choked with tears. “I want to go home.” I felt the car turn then stop, but I still didn’t look up. I didn’t want to see his face. I didn’t know if I could handle his anger.

“Mar-” Jean stopped mid-word when he noticed that I was crying. “Shit. Shit! Fuck. I’m so sorry Marco. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He grabbed his hair in clenched fists, hitting the back of his head against the headrest. “Goddammit. I just can’t stop hurting you, can I? God I’m so fucking stupid. God Marco. I’m so fucking sorry.”

I felt his hand try to settle on my shoulder, but I flinched away into the car door. I lifted my head from my hands to look at Jean, trying to convey all the pain I was feeling through my gaze. I heard his breath hitch as he looked at me. I assumed that he was finally taking a real look at me, the wonderfully fucked up mess that I was. So I just turned to look out the window, noting that we were in a driveway _. ‘I guess that we’re at his house already. I’m not sure if I want to be here right now, though . . .’_ I thought to myself, tears still falling silently.

I didn’t move when he unbuckled me and my arm was limp when he pulled it out from the seatbelt. I did tense up when he pulled me into his seat, just like at Dairy Queen. I struggled for a moment to get out of his grasp before giving up completely and just collapsing onto his chest.

“I fucked up again, didn’t I?” Jean whispered as his arms tightened slightly, just enough so that I couldn’t get out. He rested his head on my shoulder before speaking again. “I’m so sorry, Marco. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just . . . confused as to why you let me and my friends bully you for so long. It wasn’t just words. We physically hurt you. I can understand not beating us close to death, but why didn’t you defend yourself? Please tell me . . .” He trailed off, his tears slowly dampening my shirt.

“I told you earlier. I let you bully me because I wanted you to notice me, even if that noticing was just to beat me up. It felt nice that you noticed me, even though the hits and kicks hurt. But you know what I do to myself. I can take the pain.” I laughed slightly as I chose my next words carefully. “I’ve felt . . . dead inside for a long time. The pain makes me feel . . . alive. It makes me feel human and not some sort of emotionless robot. So I guess that’s why I let you beat me up. Kinda stupid, right?”

“Yes, Marco. It was stupid. You should have kicked our asses. You shouldn’t have had to deal with us since seventh grade. That’s, what, five years? You should have just kicked our asses and we would have left you alone.” He sighed, arms falling from around me, freeing me.

I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment before sliding back to my seat, leaning against the window. I closed my eyes for a second before they snapped open when the car started again and began to back out of the driveway.

“What’s going on? What are you doing?” I looked at Jean, questioning his actions.

He froze, looking at me in confusion. “You had said that you wanted to go home. So I’m taking you home. I highly doubt you want to spend any time with me after this . . .” He trailed off, reversing again.

“No. It’s okay, I guess. I’ll still spend the night.” I murmured just loud enough for Jean to hear me.

Jean just stared at me, confusion coloring his face. “You sure? If you don’t want to, I can take you home . . .” He trailed off, not wanting me to leave him.

I nodded silently, not trusting myself to answer. I didn’t want to say something wrong and break whatever peace we had at the moment.

“Okay then.” Was Jean’s only reply as he shifted into drive and pulled forward, pushing the garage remote before parking in the garage. When he closed the garage, Jean looked at me, silently asking me if I was ready. I simply nodded before getting out and grabbing my stuff from the trunk.

“Here goes nothing.” Jean muttered before opening the door to his house.

* * *

“Jeanie’s back!” Was the first thing I heard when we walked into his house, quickly followed by the rapid pitter-patter of tiny feet. Suddenly, two small boys barreled into the entryway, quickly latching onto Jean’s legs.

“Jay! You’re home!” The small brunet yelled before turning and looking at me. “Oh! You’re the guy from the school! You’re Mikasa’s older brother! Hi! I’m Eren!” He let go of Jean to run up to me and stared at me for a moment. Suddenly, he ran back to Jean to tug on his twin’s hand, getting him to reluctantly let go of Jean’s leg. “This is Armin! He’s my twin! Armin, say hi!” Eren was bouncing while Armin was staring at the floor, obviously shy. I crouched down to Armin’s level before holding out my hand.

“Hello, Armin. My name is Marco. I’m Mikasa’s older brother. It’s nice to meet you.” I smiled gently at him, trying to seem friendly.

Armin stared at me for a moment before throwing his arms around my neck, hugging me tightly. “Jeanie talks about you all the time! He’s always telling us how pretty Marco was today and how kind Marco is and how much he lov-” He was cut off by a hand over his mouth, causing him to stare up at his older brother.

“Hey, Armin. That stuff stays in the family, remember? No telling my friends, even if I talk about them. Got it?” Jean said sternly, though his face was threatening to turn into a smile. But the stern tone scared Armin enough so that he nodded his head vigorously before “zipping his lips and throwing away the key”.

I nearly laughed but the slight glare I got from Jean kept me from it. But I did bend down to whisper in Armin’s ear. “Tell me everything later, okay?” I smiled before gently unwinding his arms from around my neck and standing up, smiling innocently at Jean. I opened my mouth to speak but I was interrupted by another voice, a female one this time.

“Jean? Is there someone with you? If so, you’re lucky that I’m just beginning to make dinner. Otherwise, you would have to miss out because no guest in my house goes hungry. Please bring him or her into the kitchen. I want to meet your friend.”

Jean mouthed the word “mom” before shrugging and leading me into the kitchen, his brothers tailing us closely. When we stepped into the kitchen, I had to hold back a gasp of awe. The kitchen was huge and had the newest and most expensive appliances on the market. Looking around, I realized that Jean’s house was almost a mansion. I looked pointedly at Jean, as if to tell him, “I didn’t know you were rich”. His response was to roll his eyes and shrug before leading me further into the kitchen.

“Mom?” Jean addressed the tall blonde woman currently cutting up vegetables for a salad. “This is Marco. He’s going to spend the night, okay?”

Suddenly, Jean’s mom turned around and rushed towards us, an excited look on her face. “Jean! Is this him? I never thought you would actually bring him here!” She nearly bounced up and down in happiness before hugging her son tightly.

I smiled into my hand, trying not to laugh when I saw the same look on Jean’s face from when he met my mom on his face right then. His “Help me!” face was just too much, so I quietly cleared my throat to speak.

“Mrs. Kirschtein? Jean already said my name, but I’d like to formally introduce myself. I’m Marco Bodt. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I smiled as I extended my hand to his mother, still currently latched onto Jean. But when I spoke, she let go and turned towards me, a wide smile on her face.

She took my hand and shook it, speaking while doing so. “The pleasure is all mine, Marco. I’m Rose, or Mrs. Kirschtein. Either one is fine with me.” She studied me for a minute before pulling me into a tight hug. “You didn’t tell me he was this cute, Jean!” She spoke over her shoulder at her son, smiling and laughing happily.

“Mom! Shhh! Not now! Not in front of Marco!” Jean nearly yelled, trying to be heard over his mom’s laughter. Finally, Jean gave up, simply muttering, “Everyone in this house is a traitor.” before stalking off into another room.

Rose let go of me, still laughing, as she called out to her son. “Jean! You need to help with dinner! So get your butt back here now!” Her voice was stern but held laughter and did its trick to bring Jean back into the kitchen. She then turned back to me, lowering her voice immensely. “Marco, you can go and watch T.V. if you want. Or you can watch a movie. Honestly, you can do whatever you want! I can show you how to work the game systems if you want.” She smiled, already leading me towards what I assumed to be the living room.

“Ummm . . . What I would like to do is help with dinner, if that’s alright with you. I know how to cook fairly well. Even if I’m just cutting things up, I would still like to help.” I tried to seem polite as I declined her offer to let me be the guest and let me help her and Jean.

She stared at me for a moment before laughing and changing directions, pulling me towards Jean already at work on the salad. “Okay Marco! Here’s our menu for tonight! I hope you brought your appetite, because we’re having a lot of food!” She smiled before listing off what was going to be served. “We’re having filet mignon with sides of herb roasted red potatoes, grilled asparagus, grilled onions and portabella mushrooms, the salad, and then cheesecake for dessert! I hope you like those things!”

“That sounds like an amazing dinner. Are you sure it’s alright if I have such a good slice of meat? I don’t to impose on you . . .” I trailed off, embarrassed, but I had to ask.

Rose just looked at me kindly, handing me a knife and pushing me towards the onions and mushrooms before quietly whispering in my ear. “We’ve all been waiting for the day when Jean would bring you home to meet us. If anything, I would have preferred to make an even fancier meal for your first visit, but this will have to do. So yes, it’s perfectly alright if you have filet with us.” She patted my shoulder before starting on the potatoes, smiling quietly to herself.

“I’m sure I don’t want to know what you just said to Marco, do I?” Jean nearly growled as he chopped up the tomatoes, scowling at his mom.

“Nope! That’s between me and Marco! Sorry, Jean.” Rose laughed before turning on the radio I hadn’t noticed yet. “Marco? Any particular station you want to listen to? I don’t care what station and Jean will just have to deal with it.” She smiled sweetly at her son as he mumbled some complaint or another, before looking at me expectantly.

“Ummm . . . One hundred seven point nine is a good station.” I said quietly, hoping that they liked my choice.

“Oh! I love that station! They play the best music!” Rose quickly turned the radio on and to the station, the sounds of Train flowing through the kitchen.

Surprisingly, Jean was the first one to sing along. Granted, it was humming, but his mom caught on and began singing softly.

“Haven’t seen you since high school. Good to see you’re still beautiful.” She began, slowly building the volume until she was singing normally.

When Jean joined her for the next few lines, I continued to cut mushrooms in silence, listening to Rose’s soprano voice and Jean’s tenor, smiling at how well they sounded together. After a few more moments, I decided to join in, hoping that my deeper voice would blend in well enough.

“These bruises make for better conversation. Loses the vibe that separates . . .” I trailed off as Jean and his mom stopped singing to stare at me. I winced in embarrassment. I knew that I wasn’t good, but they didn’t need to stare.

“Marco, why did you stop? You have an amazing voice! Have you had lessons?” Rose questioned me, smiling.

I blushed, looking down at the mushrooms as I muttered my answer. “No. I only sing in the car when I’m alone or in my room. This is the first time I’ve sung in front of anyone, actually.”

“Damn Marco. That voice is insane. Hey, mom! Give him lessons, okay?” Jean piped up, shaking himself out of the slight daze he was in. He smiled at me, nudging my shoulder gently before whispering in my ear. “Marco. Your voice is incredible. I know you’re thinking that we’re lying, but my mom took voice lessons all her life, sang in many choirs and competitions and currently teaches voice lessons. I’ve actually been trained by her. So we know a good voice when we hear it. So please, keep singing with us.” He smiled before singing to the song again.

I listened for a moment, taking in their words and simply listening to how their voices melted together perfectly before adding in my voice once more. “Leaving you makes me wanna cry.” Both Jean and his mom turned and smiled at me when I began again before continuing their jobs and singing. Their smiles were contagious and I found myself smiling as I sang and began to cut up the onions.

We were so caught up in the song that we didn’t hear the garage open and close and a fourth person enter the kitchen. But when the song ended, a new voice spoke in the large room.

“I thought I heard my wife and son singing.” A tall, dark haired man came up behind Rose and kissed her cheek before going and hugging Jean. He then turned towards me and I felt myself start to cower, but I took a deep breath and stood up straight, trying to seem confident.

“And I thought I head another voice singing too.” He laughed and held out his hand to me. “Silas Kirschtein. Who might you be?”

I took his hand and shook it while replying. “I’m Marco Bodt, one of Jean’s friends. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kirschtein.”

Suddenly, Silas’ eyes lit up as he smiled widely at me, letting go of my hand to clap his hand on Jean’s shoulder as he laughed. “I knew you could do it, Son. But I do have to admit, your descriptions of him were lacking. He is much more than anything you ever said.”

“Dad! Stop! Not you too!” Jean groaned and buried his head in his hands, mumbling curses under his breath. Even though Jean was obviously embarrassed, I couldn’t hold back a small laugh myself.

“Have you really told them so much about me? Wow Jean. I didn’t know that about you.” I smiled at him, trying to make him feel better. What I got in return was a mumble that sounded suspiciously like “fuck off” before Jean looked up to glare at me. But I saw no anger in his eyes, only a promise that I was going to regret saying anything. So I just smiled sweetly at him before turning back to finish chopping the onions.

“Is everything ready to be grilled?” I heard Silas ask his wife, grabbing the steaks out of the fridge. I realized that what I was cutting needed to be grilled so I hurriedly finished chopping the onions and finished what I hadn’t gotten to of the mushrooms.

“The asparagus is over there.” Rose pointed to the corner of the stove before turning towards me. “Are the mushrooms and onions done, Marco?” When I nodded, she grabbed some aluminum foil and picked up my cutting board, dumping the vegetables onto it. Rose smiled at me quickly before turning and handing the foil to her husband. “Here’s the last bit that needs to be grilled!”

Silas kissed his wife’s head before taking everything to the door that let to their porch. He then popped his head in to ask one last thing. “Hey Marco? How do you like your steak?”

“Medium-rare, if possible, please.” I called out, just loud enough for him to hear. I wasn’t used to having people care about what I wanted, so this was something new to me.

“Can do, Marco!” He smiled quickly before he left to grill.

I stood there awkwardly for a second, not knowing what to do now that my job was finished. Luckily, Rose jumped in so I wouldn’t feel the need to fill the silence.

“I can take care of the rest, boys. Dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes. Jean, you should probably take Marco’s bags to your room. It’s not polite to make his belongings stand in the foyer. Marco, feel free to do whatever you want, okay?” She smiled at us before focusing back on the potatoes.

I quickly replied with my thanks before Jean grabbed my hand to take me to get my bags. I picked up my backpack and he grabbed my duffle bag, motioning for me to follow him. We went up the stairs and to the left, entering the third door on the right. I then got my first look at Jean’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that this is so long. I'm sorry that the longest chapter is mainly filler too. But I'm already starting the sixth chapter and it will probably be up by Sunday.
> 
> EDIT: I just realized that Bruises might not have been out when this story takes place and when I researched it, I was right. Bruises didn't air until November of 2012. Can you guys overlook this detail or should I change the song? Please tell me what you guys want.
> 
> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on! :)


	6. Themes: Playing the Melody, Relaxation, Fairy Tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some smut in it (just a blowjob really). I'm sorry it's really crappy. I haven't written anything remotely smutty in three years and this is only my second time writing it. Sorry.
> 
> But besides the smut, Jean and Marco play together and are just really fluffy and cute.
> 
> It's a kinda long chapter (not as long as the previous two but still), so I hope you don't mind.
> 
> I hope you like chapter six of Is It Love? :)

_LAST TIME_

_I quickly replied with my thanks before Jean grabbed my hand to take me to get my bags. I picked up my backpack and he grabbed my duffle bag, motioning for me to follow him. We went up the stairs and to the left, entering the third door on the right. I then got my first look at Jean’s room._

* * *

Stepping into Jean’s room was like stepping into a new world. My family was pretty well off, making my room well furnished, but Jean’s room was just insane.

“Wow. This is . . . just wow.” I stood in the middle of the room, just trying to take in everything. He had a flat-screen on the wall across from his bed, a Playstation 3 and an Xbox 360 hooked up to it, what appeared to be a king sized bed and just everything a teenage boy could want. I turned to look at Jean, but he wasn’t behind me in the doorway anymore. I looked back around the room and saw him sitting on the bed. Jean noticed me looking at him and motioned for me to join him. I swallowed nervously, not knowing what was coming as I walked over and sat down next to him. We sat in silence for a moment before Jean spoke quietly.

“Marco. I have to ask you this before this night progresses. I know I’ve made your life hell these past five years and I hope that you will forgive me one day, even though I don’t deserve that. But I want you to know that I love you and have for a long time. You may not believe me right now, so I will say it as many times as I have to until you believe that I love you. So, my question is this. Will you go out with me?” Jean turned towards me, looking at me nervously, anxiously waiting for my response to his words.

I sat in shock for a moment before my face broke into a wide smile. I leaned over to Jean and pressed a firm kiss to his lips. I tried to keep the kiss quick, thinking my inexperience would make for a horrible first kiss as boyfriends. I attempted to lean back but one of Jean’s hands had reached up to cup the back of my head, keeping me in the kiss. Realizing that he wanted to continue, I gentled my lips before moving them slightly, trying to mimic what he had done in the parking lot. I felt Jean’s lips part underneath mine so I slowly opened mine as well, relinquishing the control over to him.

His warm lips were rough against mine, moving slowly and sensually. I felt Jean’s tongue slide gently across my lower lip, asking for permission to enter. My body began to turn to instinct as I hesitantly opened my mouth further, using my own tongue to guide his in. Jean’s tongue passed between my lips slowly, gently mapping out my mouth. After he had explored every crevice in my mouth, or so it seemed, he began entangling his tongue in mine. Making a small hum of pleasure, I wrapped my tongue around his, sucking lightly. When Jean moaned slightly, I felt heat begin to pool in my stomach as I pulled Jean closer to me, wanting to feel more of him.

Jean continued to wind his tongue with mine, knowing just how to apply pressure or suction so that we both received pleasure from the kiss. But that wasn’t enough for Jean. Our tongues tangled with each other’s for another moment before he broke the kiss, only to latch onto my neck, sucking slightly. I moaned quietly when Jean bit down gently, knowing that he was going to leave a mark. In the back corner of my mind, I hoped that his parents wouldn’t question the hickey at dinner.

Jean pulled back slightly and I knew that he was looking at his work. He then leaned back in and slowly kissed his way down my neck, stopping at the edge of my shirt. He looked up at me for permission and I nodded hesitantly, wanting to see what he would do next.

Jean pulled my shirt collar aside slowly before biting down on my collarbone. I quickly slapped a hand over my mouth to stifle a moan of pleasure. _‘I must be a masochist.’_ I thought offhandedly, most of my brain overwhelmed with pleasure, making for few thoughts. But I snapped back into my mind when Jean pulled back to look me in the eye. He smiled at me before gently taking my hand away from my mouth.

“I want to hear you. I want to hear every noise that comes from your mouth. Please don’t stifle them.” Jean pressed a small kiss on my lips. “If you get uncomfortable or you don’t want me to do something, just say stop or push me away and I will stop. I promise.” His eyes softened when he looked at me, pools of liquid gold. I knew then that he would take care of me, no matter what. I smiled at Jean, nodding my understanding and consent, waiting to see what he had in mind.

“Thank you, Marco. I love you. So much.” Jean whispered before standing up. I looked up at him questioningly before Jean explained. “Marco, can you please lay down? Just trust me.”

I hesitated for a moment before scooting backwards on the bed, turning and lying flat on my back so that my head rested on Jean’s pillow. I turned my head to the side, taking in a scent that could only be described as “Jean”. I sighed slightly before my breath hitched when a weight settled on me. I snapped my head back to Jean, seeing him straddling my waist. I opened my mouth to question his actions, my words turning into a moan when Jean rolled his hips against mine.

“Marco. I’m going to make you feel good tonight, okay?” Jean leaned down and kissed me gently, keeping himself propped up by his hands on either side of my head. “Do you trust me?” He caressed my cheek softly, smiling down at me.

“Y-yes.” I stammered, unsure of what was going to happen tonight.

“Good.” Jean kissed me one last time before sitting back onto my thighs, his hands resting on the edge of my shirt. “Marco? I’m going to take your shirt off now, okay?” He waited for my nod of consent before gently sliding my shirt up, exposing my torso. “Oh Marco . . .” He trailed off, running his fingers over my skin, feeling and seeing my ribs just beneath it.

I winced, ashamed that my second secret was uncovered. I had been hoping that Jean wouldn’t see the evidence of my long time partial starvation and purging, but that would have been impossible if he wanted to be physical, like now. “Jean . . .” I began. I didn’t know what to say, but I had to get Jean to stop staring. “Jean I-”

“Marco. It’s okay. We’ll break this habit too.” He smiled gently at me, kissing my lips before trailing his hands up farther. When his fingers brushed against my nipples, I gasped in surprise, not expecting it to feel good. But that was nothing compared to what Jean did next.

I lifted my shirt off my torso and over my head, throwing it on the ground, as Jean kissed down my neck to one of my nipples, taking it in his mouth. I moaned slightly when he began sucking and nibbling, his hand coming up to tease the other. I wound my fingers in his short hair as I arched slightly into his touch.

“J-Jean . . .” I gasped, overwhelmed with pleasure. His only response was to let go of my nipple to kiss farther down my stomach.

“Marco? Is it okay if I take off your pants? I don’t want to push you too far.” Jean’s thumb rubbed circles on my hip, trying to sooth me. He leaned up to kiss my lips gently, pulling back to look into my eyes.

“It’s oka-.” A low moan tumbled from my mouth, effectively cutting off my sentence, as Jean unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, palming my erection through my boxers.

“Is it okay if I keep touching you, Marco? Can I do more?” Jean questioned me, eyes pleading with me, while his hand kept rubbing me through the fabric.

“Y-yes. Please t-touch m-” Breaking my sentence, I hissed slightly when Jean pulled my boxers down, exposing my erection to the cold air of his room. I closed my eyes, focusing on the feeling of Jean’s hands around me, thrusting slightly as he slowly pumped me. But with my eyes closed, I wasn’t prepared for what Jean did next.

“Ah!” I nearly shouted in surprise, only quieting myself when I remembered his family downstairs, when Jean licked a stripe from the base of my erection to the head. My hands, having fallen when Jean took off my pants, quickly grasped his hair again, pulling slightly as he swirled his tongue around the tip. I was lost in the throes of pleasure, my grip on Jean’s hair my only anchor, as he lowered himself down onto me. I only barely resisted the urge to thrust up into his warm mouth, Jean laying an arm over my hips when he felt me quiver. I covered my mouth with my hand, biting down on it gently when Jean took me in further, my groan of pleasure muffled.

Yet Jean would have none of that and reached his other hand up to gently tug my hand away from my mouth, pulling off of me with a loud pop. “I told you that I wanted to hear you. Please don’t stifle your noises in any way, okay?”

Jean didn’t give me any time to respond as he quickly enveloped my erection once more, earning himself a groan from me in the process. I could feel the coil in my stomach getting tighter and hotter with every suck from Jean, the moans coming freely now. I felt myself getting closer and closer along with the need to warn Jean of my impending orgasm.

“J-Jean. Pull off. I’m gonna c-come.” I tugged on Jean’s hair, trying to get his attention. But he just hummed around me, the vibrations pushing me over the edge. My back arched as I came with a loud moan, Jean swallowing around me. After I finished coming, I fell back onto the bed, panting.

Jean let my dick fall from his mouth as he sat back up, licking his lips for any trace of my cum. He pulled my boxers and pants up again, tucking me inside, before lying down beside me, smiling.

“How was that?” He murmured, wrapping his arms around me. He nuzzled my neck slightly before laying his head next to mine on his pillow.

“That was . . . wow. I can’t describe it.” I attempted to explain how I felt but no words could accurately describe the euphoria he caused. But a lingering thought slowly grew in my mind. “Jean? Don’t you need to get off? Do you want me to . . .” I trailed off, unsure of what I was offering and if I was ready to do it.

“Marco.” Jean turned my head so he could look into my eyes. “This night is only about you. You don’t have to do anything more for me besides just being here with me. That’s all I ask. Well, that and maybe some hugs and cuddles. That’s all I want. Kisses are optional. I just wanted to make you feel good. You don’t have to do anything for me. I promise.” Jean kissed my forehead gently before moving to lay his head on my chest.

“I love you, Marco.”

“I love you too, Jean.”

Our confessions were abruptly finished with a loud knocking on Jean’s door.

“Dinner’s ready! Come down boys!” Rose’s happy voice accompanied the knocks.

“Okay mom. Just quit trying to break my door down!” Jean yelled at his door, a light laugh replying him. When we heard footsteps going away from Jean’s door, we both let out a sigh of relief that we hadn’t been caught. Jean groaned as he sat up and swung his feet over the edge of his bed, turning to look at me.

“Ready for dinner?” He smiled at me, standing up. I nodded, getting up as well. When we were both standing, Jean suddenly hugged me, pulling me close to him briefly before letting go to drag me out his door.

* * *

After dinner, Jean’s family and I had drifted into the living room and were chatting quietly. I tried to pay attention to the conversation, but my gaze kept going to the grand piano in the sunroom. Unfortunately, my wandering gaze was picked up by Rose.

“Do you play, Marco?” She asked, genuinely intrigued, as she pointed to the piano.

“Only a little.” I shrugged, assuming that they people who played in this house were much better than me.

“Oh! You must play for us then! Maybe Jean can accompany you! Oh please, play a duet!”

Of course Jean would be the one to know how to play the piano. Even though me playing would end up terribly, I still stood up and made my way over to the piano, everyone else following me. I sat down on the left side of the bench, my fingers poised over the keys. I looked up a Jean, silently praying that he knew the song and what movie it came from.

I began with my right hand, first holding high ‘E’ then backing down to ‘D’, returning to ‘E’ a moment later. My notes ranged from ‘A’ to high ‘G’ before I brought in the left hand, playing the deep chords that richened the piece. My notes continued for a while, my fingers knowing this song by heart. I praised my lucky stars when Jean sat down on my right, his fingers hovering over the keys, waiting for his part.

I paused my playing, letting Jean take over his part, the melody, listening for my cue. When he paused, I “retaliated”, like the movie, playing my few notes before stopping for Jean once more. His fingers flew across the keys, his part faster for a moment, a prelude for what was to come. He paused at the right moment just like the character had paused in an attempt to get the other party to play. He played a few more notes before I joined in, pressing the keys for the deeper harmony to Jean’s higher melody.

Jean’s fingers worked the keys, running all over the high end of the piano, playing all the right notes. I kept the deep undertones going, and, when Jean’s part rose, so did mine. I kept my fingers rising through the notes, over to Jean’s side of the piano, stopping on two notes to alternate them quickly before stopping and laughing, smiling at Jean.

“I didn’t know you liked Tim Burton, Jean.” I nudged his shoulder playfully, careful to keep the touches “friends only”, not wanting to let his family know about our new relationship.

“I didn’t know that you liked him either.” He smiled back at me before turning back to his parents, sitting on the loveseat behind us. “Did you like it?” He asked them before leaning close to me, murmuring in my ear. “You did wonderful, Marco.”

I smiled quickly before I was engulfed in a hug. Our playing must have really touched Rose because she was hugging both Jean and me, tears running down her face.

“That was beautiful boys. My you make a wonderful pair. Please play something else!” Rose suddenly let go to retreat back to her seat, wanting another song. I glanced at Jean quickly, seeing him nod, before beginning the song that every pianist knows.

“Not Heart and Soul, Marco. Please. God, Marco, just don’t.” Jean groaned before turning to glare at his mom when a wadded up tissue hit the back of his head.

I continued playing, smiling when I heard her whisper “play” to Jean, that smile turning into laughter when Jean reluctantly played the melody on the well-known song. I nudged him with my shoulder, careful not to disrupt my playing, trying to get him to smile. It worked. Jean turned to me and smiled before turning back to the piano, his notes almost taking on a livelier tone.

After we finished, Jean quickly got up only to sit in the armchair next to the piano, not wanting to play another song. I began to get up from the piano, but Rose’s voice stopped me.

“Marco. I know you’ve played two songs, but could you please play one more? Just a solo one, because Jean doesn’t want to play anymore.” She glared at her oldest son before turning back to smile at me. “Please Marco?”

I simply nodded before placing my right hand on the high keys, playing them for a moment before letting my left hand and the lower keys have a chance. I began playing both together, the high melody accompanied beautifully by the richer, deeper tones. As the notes began to get a little more complicated and shorter, I saw Jean out of the corner of my eye get up and stand behind me. I knew immediately what part he was playing in the song. As I neared the end, Jean suddenly shook the piano bench, causing my notes to fall into disarray.

“Jean! Why did you do that! It was such a lovely song. Why did you have to ruin it like that?” Rose raised her voice at Jean, berating him from her seat. I felt Jean wince, so I decided to turn around and explain.

“Mrs. Kirschtein? That cacophony at the end is in the original score. Jean was just making sure that I followed it. That’s all. He wasn’t trying to be mean, just trying to follow the music.” I smiled at her, trying to put her mind at ease. “Even if he hadn’t shaken the bench, I still would have made a mess of the notes, simply to stick with the score.”

“Oh! Okay. Got it!” She laughed slightly before getting up and hugging me, whispering in my ear in a serious tone. “Thank you for playing. Jean hasn’t touched the piano in a year. He said that he didn’t want to anymore; that it wasn’t worth it. Thank you for getting him to play again.” She tightened her hug for a moment before letting go, smiling once more.

“Well, we won’t force you to stick around with us old folk anymore! Go have fun. Watch a movie, play some games, do whatever you want. Just be safe!” Rose gently pushed us in the direction of the stairs, much like my mom had at my house. Jean and I let ourselves be pushed to the stairs before we started up them, Jean taking my hand once he was sure that no one would see.

Once we were in his room, Jean looked at me nervously, almost as though he was afraid of the words he was about to speak.

“I kinda just want to relax. Like, watch a movie and fall asleep to it. Is that okay with you?” He questioned, already grabbing his pajamas. I smiled slightly, nodding my head, before digging through my duffle bag for my own pajamas.

We changed in silence, heading to the adjoined bathroom to brush our teeth when we were done. Jean shooed me out of the bathroom so he could use the toilet, taking only a minute before allowing me back in, making it my turn to kick him out. After I washed my hands, I stared at the mirror, not quite recognizing myself. I looked . . . alive, for the first time in years. I shook my head, dispelling any negative thoughts before heading back to Jean’s room.

Jean was already in bed, on the side closest to the wall, the covers pulled back slightly so I could lie in front of him. I smiled, crawling under the covers, curling up next to Jean. I noticed he had pulled up the movie we had just played music from and was waiting for me so he could start it. I snuggled deeper into the covers and Jean’s arms as I relaxed, fully prepared to fall asleep to one of my favorite movies. Jean pressed play and the sweet, opening music filled the room. I closed my eyes, content just listening to the movie and lying in Jean’s arms.

“Good night, Marco.” Jean whispered in my ear, kissing my temple gently. “I love you.”

I mumbled what I hoped was “good night” and “I love you”, already beginning to fall asleep. I cuddled into him a little more, slipping deeper into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you can name the movie they played music from and watched at the end in the comments, you'll get an internet cookie and a hug from me! I hope you can figure it out! ^^
> 
> One of my close friends actually helped me with this chapter. He was patient with me and edited and helped smooth over the makeout scene. Yes, my male friend helped me write a kissing scene between two guys. God I love him.  
> Just wanted to give him some credit! I love you and thank you, Xavier! :)
> 
> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on! :)


	7. Themes: Questioning, Rejection, Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super long. And personally, I think it's complete crap. I tried to follow the plot that I made, but this chapter just went completely away from it. Sorry.
> 
> Basically, Marco gets put through Hell. I can't really explain more without giving the chapter away. But I warn you. You might need tissues. It gets really depressing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter seven of "Is It Love?" (even though it's super shitty).

_LAST TIME_

_“Good night, Marco.” Jean whispered in my ear, kissing my temple gently. “I love you.”_

_I mumbled what I hoped was “good night” and “I love you”, already beginning to fall asleep. I cuddled into him a little more, slipping deeper into sleep._

* * *

August 24th, 2012

I blinked slowly, the morning light bright against my sleepy eyes. I closed my eyes for a moment, prepared to sleep for a few more minutes when a blaring alarm sounded next to my head. I jumped, flinching into Jean in surprise, my eyes flying wide open to glare at the alarm clock. I groaned when I saw the numbers, turning and sitting up slowly, shoving Jean repeatedly in an attempt to get him to wake up.

“Jean. Turn off your alarm. It’s too damn early.” I mumbled tiredly, falling back onto the bed and pulling the covers over my head when Jean finally woke up. I felt the bed shift as he leaned across my body, the alarm finally being silenced. Five-fifteen was way too early to wake up.

“Why the hell is your alarm set so damn early?” I muttered, burying my head deeper under the covers, curling up closer to Jean when he lay back down.

“Well, good morning to you too, Marco.” Jean chuckled, kissing the top of my head, hugging me close to him.

“Shut up.” I hit my head against his chest gently, trying to find some quiet after being woken up at the crack of dawn. “I need sleep. Wake me up at six forty-five.” I huffed slightly before yawning, already falling back asleep.

“Okay, Marco. Sleep well.” I heard Jean murmur softly. But I was too far into sleep to reply verbally, instead nodding before slipping back into unconsciousness.

* * *

The second time I woke up went much better than the first.

“Marco sweetie. It’s six forty-five. Time to get up.” Jean caressed my bedhead gently, kissing my forehead, smiling down at me when I slowly opened my eyes. I blinked rapidly, trying to wake myself up, before smiling back at Jean.

“Morning.” I said softly, still partially asleep. I yawned and stretched under the covers, rubbing my eyes with my fists. After I deemed myself awake enough to begin the day, I pulled away from Jean slightly to ask the question that had been on my mind, both conscious and unconscious, this morning.

“Why is your alarm set so early?”

Jean laughed slightly, sitting up in the bed. “I normally get up to work out for an hour before taking a shower and getting ready for the day. I take it that you aren’t a morning person?” He nudged me, smiling.

“No, I’m not. What tipped you off?” I said sarcastically before smiling, sitting up along with Jean.

“Well, for the first thing, you cussed three times within a minute and hit me with your head when you woke up. I’ve only heard you cuss once before this morning. And that was when I ran into you at the pharmacy. Also, you were shoving me pretty hard to wake me up.” He smiled as he hugged me, resting his head on my shoulder. I felt his damp hair on my neck and I looked at him in surprise.

“You already took a shower?” I questioned, pulling Jean away so I could look at him. I noticed that he was no longer in his pajamas, instead in jeans and a t-shirt.

Jean laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Yeah. I stayed in bed until I was sure that you wouldn’t wake up and then I left to work out, took a shower, and then climbed back in bed so I could wake you up. I hope you don’t mind.” He smiled at me slightly.

I just shrugged in response, accepting the fact that Jean had a routine to follow and my presence wasn’t going to change it. “Okay. Can I use your shower then?” I stretched again, sliding out of his bed to raise my arms high above my head, hearing my back pop a few times.

“Yeah, it’s okay. There’s a clean towel for you on the sink and feel free to use my shampoo or anything like that.” Jean stood up from his bed, hugging my waist tightly. “Thanks for spending the night, Marco. Hopefully we’ll be doing this much more often.” He kissed my neck, right over the hickey from last night, before ushering me towards the bathroom.

I smiled at him from the doorway of the bathroom, blowing him a kiss before shutting the door, beginning my morning process.

* * *

When we left his house at seven forty-five, I was already feeling nervous about how this day would go. As we got closer and closer to the school, my anxiety only grew and grew. When we parked at the school, I noticed that Jean had parked as far away from the door as possible. Dread filled me, already knowing that Jean wouldn’t want to be seen with me at school. I mean, I expected it, but it still hurt. I turned to him to explain that I wouldn’t reveal us, but he beat me to speaking.

“Marco, you need to trust me on this, okay?” Jean took my hand, holding it over his heart. “Marco, we can’t be seen together at school. I will get the guys to stop bullying you, but we can’t hang out or have anyone see us together, especially walking into school. Everything will be explained later. You just have to trust me, okay?” He lifted my hand to his lips, kissing it gently. “Marco, I love you with my entire being. I don’t want to lose you. So please, just act like everything is normal, like how things were just yesterday at school. I will tell you why you need to do this in time. Just trust me.” Jean leaned over and kissed my lips, pulling back to look into my eyes.

I knew that the hurt was evident in my eyes, but I swallowed my pain and simply nodded my consent. I figured that this would happen, but it still hurt that Jean had to mention it. I would never have brought suspicion on us and I thought he knew that. But I knew that he was just making sure. So I nodded again, kissing him gently before whispering in his ear.

“I’ll leave first. Wait a few minutes before leaving.” I pulled back, seeing his nod of consent, before leaving the car, picking up my backpack and shutting the door, prepared to walk the walk of shame. So when Jean rolled down his window and called out to me, I was surprised.

“Meet me at my car at three thirty-five, okay? I’ll take you home so you can grab your car to get Mikasa. If you want to hang out tonight, we can. I also hope that you’ll come to my party on Saturday. It starts at eight p.m. okay? Please be there.” Jean rushed through his thoughts, smiling nervously at the end. But I just nodded before turning and walking towards the school.

* * *

I rushed through my locker combination, placing my unnecessary books in my locker and grabbing the books for first and second period, shoving them into my backpack. I shut my locker as quickly yet quietly as I could, not wanting Jean’s friends to find me. But, of course, I wasn’t that lucky.

“Hey, freak.” I heard a voice yell out to me from across the hall. I kept my head down and tried to leave silently, walking down the hall in hopes that they wouldn’t follow me.

“Freak. I’m talking to you. Stop now and we’ll make it quick.”

I froze, knowing that their words were true. If I continued to run, they would just make the beating longer and make it hurt that much more. So I simply stood there in the middle of the hallway, head down, trying not to cry as I waited for the punches and kicks to start.

“Good. You actually listened this time. We’ll make it brief then. Wouldn’t want to be late to class, now would we.”

A swift kick was dealt to my stomach, making me to double over in pain, the following kick to my back causing me to drop to the ground like a stone. I clutched my throbbing stomach as I waited out the sharp kicks to my ribs, knowing that I would have bruises later. Suddenly, my face was exposed when someone pulled my hair back, giving me a good luck at the second-in-command of my bullies. He wasted no time in motioning to his cohorts, getting one of them to pull me up and hold my arms behind my back as he prepared to start the punches. I felt one, then two, hit my already sore stomach, causing me to cough violently. But just two punches weren’t good enough for them as he pulled his arm back, preparing for the “finale”. I stared at the fist and behind it, seeing, to my horror, Jean standing at the end of the hallway. He started towards us, opening his mouth to yell at his friends to stop, but it was too late. The final punch hit me like a sledgehammer, snapping my head to the side, my body slumping to the floor when they let me go.

My head was fuzzy as I looked up at Jean and his friends with blurred vision, watching the scene unfold though I was barely conscious. That last punch had been harder than any they had ever thrown before, the effects confirming it. I watched in shock as Jean yelled at his friends, only a few words hitting my ears through the fog that encased my head.

“ . . . Stop . . . He’s not worth . . . Is someone like . . . really worth . . . suspended over . . . Find some . . . else . . . Boring to do . . . to him . . . Let’s go . . .”

I looked up at Jean, pain etched on my face, waiting for him to say something to me. But I didn’t get anything but a quickly mouthed “Stay there, I’ll be right back.” before he left with his friends to go to class.

I groaned silently in pain, reaching with one hand to slowly pull myself to the side of the hallway. I repeated the reaching and pulling until my hand hit a locker. I then gently pressed my hand against the ground and gently pushed myself up so I could lean against the locker. I heard the warning bell ring, then the final bell, both sounding far off as I slid down the locker until only my head and shoulders were supported by them as I lost consciousness.

* * *

Jean’s POV

I can’t believe that the first thing I saw when I walked into the school was my boyfriend being beat up by my “friends”. I ran to them to get them to stop, but I was too late when Reiner punched Marco with nearly all of his strength. But even at only three-fourths strength, the punch was enough to snap Marco’s head to the side and cause him to drop to the ground motionless. And when he managed to look up at me with cloudy, pain-filled eyes, it was the last straw. I had to get these guys to stop hurting Marco.

“Hey Jean! You just missed out on beating up Marco. Sorry dude.” Reiner laughed, holding out a fist for a fist-bump. But I was furious, so I simply slapped it away before letting out all my anger.

“Just stop it, guys! He’s not worth it. Is someone like him really worth getting suspended over?” I internally winced, hoping that Marco was too far gone to hear my words, even though they weren’t true. “Seriously. Find someone else to beat up. Someone new. It’s getting boring to do this to him every day.” I shrugged, turning towards the opposite end of the hallway. “Let’s go.”

I started walking with my “friends” before looking back at Marco, making eye contact with him as I mouthed, “Stay there, I’ll be right back.” I needed to get these bastards to class so I could hurry and get Marco to the nurse.

We made it to the classroom just before the warning bell and we took our seats, my friends sitting happily while I was nearly in full-out panic mode. I needed to get back to Marco. I needed him to be okay. But he would have to wait just a moment longer, just until my teacher was about to start the lesson.

When the final bell rang and my teacher stood up from his desk, opening up the assigned book, I quickly raised my hand. My teacher looked annoyed at my interruption, but called on me anyways.

“Yes Mr. Kirschtein?”

“I’m sorry sir, but I am feeling really sick. May I please go to the nurse?” I lied, though my pale face and nervous air could easily be taken as an illness. When my teacher nodded and waved his hand absentmindedly, I quickly stood up from my seat and all but ran out the door.

I ran down my class’ hallway and took the left turn to the hallway where I left Marco, speeding up when I saw his unconscious body slumped against the lockers.

“Oh Marco. I’m so sorry.” I whispered as I gently rubbed his good cheek, hoping that he would wake up. When he didn’t respond, I knelt and lay my ear against his chest, listening for breathing and a heartbeat. When I found both, I let out a short sigh of relief before wrapping Marco’s arms around my neck, lifting him in my arms as I carried him to the nurse.

* * *

Marco’s POV

I blinked my eyes open for the third time today, only this time, my vision was completely blurred, not seeing anything more than colors and general shapes. The sounds around me were muted, slowly filtering in through the fuzz that covered my head.

“Mar . . . Mar . . . co . . .”

I tried to turn my head towards what I thought was my name, but something strong was stopping me. I couldn’t turn my head at all. So I settled for raising my hand, trying to let the person know that I had heard them.

“Mar . . . co!”

I felt warmth encase my hand and small drops of something wet fall onto my arm. My eyes were able to find what I assumed was my hand and with it, a light brown mass right above it. I felt one side of the warmth around my hand disappear as something came close to my face. I flinched back, remembering that the last thing that had been near my face had hurt like hell. The thing coming near my face retracted quickly, more wetness falling onto my arm.

I blinked a few more times, my vision slowly starting to clear. I could see someone holding onto my hand, yet they were still too blurry for me to discern. But there was only one person who would be here with me. Jean.

“Je . . . an . . .” I mumbled, my mouth feeling dry and fuzzy. I blinked some more, my vision clearing just a little bit more.

“Marco! Oh Marco. I’m so sorry, Marco.” Jean held my hand tightly, tears still streaming down his face and onto my arm.

“S’okay . . . Jean . . . Not your . . . fault . . .” I struggled to speak normally, words feeling foreign to my mouth.

“Shhh. Don’t talk, Marco. Just focus on breathing deeply and trying to clear your eyes and ears. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” Jean reached out a hesitant hand, pausing slightly, before gently caressing my uninjured cheek.

I tried to smile at Jean, but the bruised, right half of my face wouldn’t cooperate, leaving me with what I assumed was a horrible grimace. I winced as I tried to force my smile, the bruise now feeling like a gaping wound.

“Marco, stop trying to smile. I understand. Just relax.” Jean murmured as he gently ran his hand down the right side of my face, easing the grimace into a more relaxed position.

I wanted to smile at his loving action, but I couldn’t, so I settled for taking deep breaths in and out, blinking my eyes slowly. I closed my eyes, attempting to pop my ears, flinching at the quick, sharp pain when the fog suddenly lifted. I resumed blinking my eyes, my eyesight slowly returning to normal. When I could see with only a hint of blurriness, I sighed and cleared my throat, ready to attempt speaking again.

“Jean . . . I want to . . . go home.” My mouth was cooperating a bit better, though the words still felt thick and heavy on my tongue. Suddenly, a bright light shone in one of my eyes, then the other, a third voice joining our conversation.

“His pupils are contracting fairly normally now. Marco, nod if you can hear this.” I heard a snapping sound next to my left ear and I nodded. “Again, Marco. Nod if you can hear this.” This time, the snapping sound was next to my right ear, but it was much fainter, barely there.

“I can hear it, but just barely.” I figured that a simply nod would not suffice to answer what I assumed was the nurse.

“Hmmm . . . Interesting. You want to go home, right? I can’t let you drive in this condition, unfortunately. Are your parents’ home? Should we call them?”

“No!” I shouted, wincing as the loud noise hurt my head. I lowered my voice before continuing. “Please don’t call my parents.”

“I’ll take him home and watch over him until his parents get there.” Jean’s voice was firm, trying to assume responsibility for my care even though he was still visibly torn up over what had happened. I squeezed his hand slightly, trying to convey my love through my gaze.

“Hmmm.” The nurse thought over Jean’s proposition carefully before replying. “He needs to rest for a few more moments, so you go get your car and pull it around front. Then talk to the secretary to get permission for two, unexpected, early dismissals before coming back here to me to learn what you need to do to take care of Marco for the rest of today. Okay?”

Jean nodded, squeezing my hand slightly, before leaving the nurse and me alone. I was about to close my eyes when the nurse spoke up.

“Marco, let’s get you sitting up and resting against some pillows. Then we’re going to have a little chat.” The walls that were keeping my head in one place lifted away as the nurse wrapped her arms underneath mine. “Marco, you need help push yourself up onto the pillows on the count of three, okay? One, two, three!”

When she said three, I pressed the palms of my hands onto the hard mattress, pushing my body backwards until I hit pillows. I lay back slowly, trying to ground myself from the dizziness that was filling my head at the moment. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose, letting it out slowly through my mouth. When the dizzy spell passed, I opened my eyes and looked at the nurse.

“What did you need to talk to me about?” I asked hesitantly, already knowing what she wanted to talk about. I quickly prepared a somewhat likely story to take the place of the actual events before looking up at her. But she just sat down in a chair next to the bed, making herself comfortable.

“How did you get your injuries today? Let’s start with that.”

“Well, I’m not the most coordinated of people, so when I was closing my locker, I accidentally shut it on my head.” I scratched the back of my neck, trying to appear sheepish and awkward enough so that she would stop questioning me.

“Really, Marco? That’s the truth?” Her stare chilled me to the bone, but I nodded, sticking to my fake story until the end. “Then why are your ribs and stomach bruised?” She countered my story, but I had my own reply already prepared.

“When the locker shut on my head, I ducked down quickly, but that put me off balance and I fell onto my backpack full of books. I’m really clumsy.” I laughed slightly before it slowly died into faint chuckles before stopping completely. Her stare was really scary.

“Marco, I don’t like to cuss, but I will this one time. I call bullshit.” She narrowed her eyes at me slightly. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, that being my breaking point.

“Okay, okay. I’ll explain what really happened.” I sighed, rubbing the un-bruised part of the bridge of my nose. “There’s this . . . group of people. They’ve been bullying me since the beginning of seventh grade. It started with just words and teasing, but that turned into shoves, that eventually turning into punches and kicks. The punches and kicks have been going on since sophomore year. That’s really all there i-” I was cut off by the nurse raising her hand to silence me.

“Hold on one moment, Marco.” Those were her last words before she just left her office.

I shrugged slightly, leaning back onto the pillows and closing my eyes, prepared to rest for a moment. My eyes were closed for about twenty seconds before two sets of footsteps entered the room. I slowly opened my eyes to the worried gazes of the nurse and the . . . principal.

I sat up straighter before speaking to both of them. “Is there something you need?” I didn’t mean to sound rude; I just wanted to sleep for the rest of the day.

“Yes, Marco. There is something we need. I need you to explain, in detail, the attack that happened today to me and Principal Erwin.”

“Attack? It was nothing. I could have handled i-”

“You could have handled it? You were brought in today unconscious, potentially with a concussion, potentially cracked or broken ribs, bruises covering your stomach and sides, and the entire right side of your face a bruise. You really could have handled it?” The nurse was cut off by Erwin’s hand on her shoulder.

“Hush. He’s been through a lot today. He doesn’t need you berating him too. Let me handle this, okay?” Erwin smiled at the nurse before turning towards me. “Marco, I’m sorry, but its school rules that I get the names of your attackers. Please tell me.” He pulled a pen and a scrap piece of paper from his pocket, ready to write.

I took a deep breath in, unsure if I was ready to cross the bridge of identifying my attackers. But with Erwin looking kindly and expectantly at me, I knew that I had to break my silence.

“The person who does most of the kicks and punches, the one who hit my face today, was Reiner Braun. He’s normally accompanied by Thomas Wagner, Annie Leonhart, Ymir, and Daz. I’m sorry, but I don’t know Ymir or Daz’s last names. Sorry.” I hung my head, ashamed of myself. I had vowed that no one would ever know, but here I am, telling the principal of the entire school.

“Is there anyone else, Marco? I know that group is normally led by Jean Kirschtein. Does he participate?”

I froze at Erwin’s words. Was I allowed to explain my relationship with Jean to our principal? I didn’t know. But when Erwin placed his hand on my shoulder, I felt the strength to tell some of the truth to him.

“Jean . . . used to. He used to be the one who led them against me. But . . .” I trailed off, so unsure of everything at the moment.

“Marco. It’s okay. Jean used to hurt you, but what happened?” Erwin tried to coax the truth out of me, rubbing my shoulder gently before pulling his hand away slowly.

“But he . . . confessed to me yesterday. He told me he loved me. He hugged me. He kissed me.” I shuddered, feeling unwanted panic start to well up inside me, threatening to bubble over.

“Marco . . . could it be that he was lying? Maybe he made that up so the other guys could hurt you ever worse than normal. Is that possi-”

“No!” I shouted, pulling my knees up to my chest, hugging them, tears slipping down my cheeks. “Jean isn’t lying. He was the one who got them to stop and leave. He saved me. He was here. He was holding my hand and crying. He was calling my name, trying to wake me up. I heard him. That’s how I woke up. I heard Jean calling my name. He was scared. He was scared that he was going to lose me.” I felt Erwin’s hand rest on my shoulder again and I flinched away from him.

“Stop! Don’t touch me!” I cowered on the corner of the bed farthest from Erwin and the nurse. I was shaking, starting to hyperventilate. _‘Panic attack.’_ Was my last rational thought before my mind began shutting down, trying to get me away from pain. I curled myself tighter around my legs, beginning to rock back and forth slightly, whimpering. “Stop. Just make it stop.” I mumbled, burying my head in between my knees.

“Erwin? Can Jean Kirschtein come in? He has the unexpected early dismissal forms all filled out and is ready to take Marco home.” The secretary poked her head in, taking in the scene. “Oh my.”

“What? What’s going on!? Marco!” Jean’s scared voice sounded outside the door and that was the final straw.

“Jean. Make it stop.” I could barely make those words out through my sped up breathing, black dots beginning to swim in my vision, signifying my lack of oxygen.

“Shit. Move!” Jean shoved past the secretary, leaping over the bed to kneel on the floor beneath me. “Marco. Look at me. Listen to my breathing. Try to copy me.” He began taking exaggeratedly deep and slow breaths and I could feel my body slowly start to mimic his.

“There we go Marco. It’s going to be okay. Keep breathing like that.” He took a few more breaths, his voice beginning to calm me. “Marco, I’m going to sit next to you on the bed. Is that okay?” He waited for my nod of consent before getting up from the floor to settle himself next to me.

“Can I hug you, Marco? If not just say n-” Jean was cut off by me crawling into his lap, clutching his shirt, burying my head in his neck. His arms came up to wrap around me and I felt him begin to rock us back and forth.

“Shhh. Marco. It’s going to be okay. Take a deep breath in then slowly let it out.” He pulled me tighter to him as I listened to him, my breathing slowly returning to normal. “That’s it. Just keep breathing slowly. It’s okay. You’re going to be alright. Shhhh, Marco. I’m here. I’m not leaving.” I felt all the tension and panic leave my body suddenly, making me fall limp in Jean’s arms.

“Marco? Marco!” Jean’s hand came up to gently caress my cheek, his worried face relaxing when I opened my eyes to look at him. “Oh Marco, thank God you’re okay.” He clutched me to him, his own tears threatening to spill.

“I’m here, Jean.” My voice was hoarse, my throat raw from breathing so heavily, but I still murmured soft nonsense to Jean as I finished calming down. “Jean. I have to know. Is this all a lie? Did you lie to me so your friends could hurt me more?” I heard two separate breaths hitch, knowing that Erwin was shocked that I was asking Jean what he had accused and that Jean was shocked that I was even asking it.

“Marco. I would never lie about this. I love you, Marco. I would never lie to you. Did someone say something that would make you think that? If so, tell me who so I can prove them wrong.”

I flinched when Jean hit the nail on the head. I looked over Jean’s shoulder at Erwin before I shook my head. “No. I just needed to make sure. Sorry. Can we go now?” I hugged Jean tightly for a moment before slipping off his lap to sit on the bed next to him. I stared at the nurse, secretary, and especially Erwin, almost daring them to stop us.

“We can go in a moment. I want you to relax a little bit more. I’ll get instructions on how to take care of you for the rest of the day while you relax, okay?” Jean smiled at me, getting me to lie back down on the bed. He kissed my forehead gently before standing up to address everyone else in the room. “None of what happened leaves this room, okay?” His voice was nearly a growl as he stared down the three adults.

I grabbed Jean’s hand quickly, trying to get him to stop being disrespectful. “Jean!” I whispered, shocked that he would speak to our principal and two other staff in this way. I tugged on his hand slightly, attempting to get his attention. But he just shook off my hand, still staring at the adults.

The nurse and secretary’s jaws dropped at Jean’s tone, astonished that a student would talk to them that way. But Erwin just smiled knowingly, nodding, before replying.

“Okay, Jean. None of this leaves us or this room. I just hope that one day, you will be able to come forward with your relationship with Marco. I wish you the best of luck.” Erwin gently touched both Jean and my shoulders before standing up and leaving the room, leaving all of us in shocked silence. Jean was the first to speak.

“So what do I need to know so I can take care of Marco?” He asked the nurse, his tone much more friendly and polite. The nurse and secretary looked at each other, confused at Jean’s change of tone. But then they both shrugged before the secretary quietly excused herself and the nurse began to speak.

“For one thing, Marco should be kept in a silent or near silent room. Keep the room dark too. Also, he should have an ice-pack or a cold compress on his cheek and forehead. Let him rest for the remainder of the day. It should be okay if he falls asleep. That should be it.” The nurse grabbed a piece of paper and quickly jotted down the instructions, handing it to Jean. “Check with the secretary once more before you leave.”

Jean nodded, taking the piece of paper from her, before kneeling next to me. “Ready to go, Marco?” When I nodded, Jean helped me to sit up on the bed slowly. After I was sitting on the side, my feet planted firmly on the ground, Jean lifted my arm and slid it over his shoulders. “Ready? On the count of three. One, two, three.” We both stood up on three, Jean holding me steady while I wavered slightly. After I was steady, we began slowly walking towards the door.

“Jean? Take Marco to the secretary’s desk then come back to me, okay?” The nurse said suddenly, holding the door open for us.

We both nodded and slowly made our way out the door. When we arrived at the secretary’s desk, Jean gently leant me against it, hugging me once before letting go. “I’ll be right back.” He whispered, stepping away slowly before making his way back to the nurse.

I stared at his back as he left, confused about what the nurse needed. I was about to close my eyes to rest for a moment when the office door suddenly slammed open. I jumped at the noise, looking over at the door, freezing when I saw who was coming in. Reiner.

“You!” Reiner shouted, stalking over to me. I flinched and cowered against the desk, hoping that one of the staff would do something to stop him. When he stopped in front of me, Reiner grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling me close to his face. “If I see you at Jean’s party tomorrow, you’ll wish that you had never come.” He growled, fingers tightening in my shirt.

“Reiner!” Erwin’s voice boomed in the office, causing both Reiner and me to jump. Reiner growled once more before suddenly letting go of me, shoving me slightly against the desk.

“I mean it, Freak. If I see you for even a moment tomorrow, you will regret it.” He turned and stalked off to the principal’s office, leaving me pale and shaking. When Jean came out of the nurse’s office for the last time, he all but ran over to me when he noticed how scared I was.

“Marco. It’s okay. Whatever happened, I’m here now. Let’s just go home.” Jean murmured, sliding my arm over his shoulders once more. We slowly made our way to his car parked out front, him letting go of me for only a moment to open my door for me. After I had sat down, Jean reclined my seat back until it was as flat as it could be, patting my shoulder gently before he closed my door. When he was situated in the driver’s seat and had started driving, I finally got the nerve to speak.

“Jean, I don’t think it’s a good idea if I go to your party tomorrow.” I whispered, almost in tears. Today was supposed to be the first full day of our relationship. It was supposed to be happy, even though we were supposed to act like nothing had changed. But all that had happened was me getting beat up and threatened. This wasn’t how this day was supposed to be. I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks as I waited for Jean’s response.

“Marco. I’ll keep you safe. You know I will. I will always keep you safe. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop today from happening. But trust me, if you come to the party, I will keep you safe. I promise.” He reached over and took my hand, caressing the back of it with his thumb. “I promise, Marco. I will keep you safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like such a bad author for putting Marco through all of that. The entire time I was writing this, I was yelling to myself inside my head. I mean, he already died a really awful death in the anime. Do I really need to make him get beat up too? And that's not even the worst part of this story. There are at least three more really REALLY bad/sad parts in this story that are planned, two of which are in the next few chapters. So yeah... You might need to get tissues if you didn't need them for this chapter.
> 
> I also feel really bad for making you guys read a chapter that is almost 6,000 words long that is complete crap. I'm really sorry, guys.
> 
> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on! :)
> 
> I am already starting chapter eight, and it should *hopefully* be up by Sunday. Please keep reading! :)


	8. Themes: Trouble Lurking, Kick in the Head, Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is on the kinda short side, being just over 3,000 words. I hope that is okay.
> 
> This chapter is about Jean's party and the repercussions of it.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter could be VERY triggering, so please, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I can't explain more because it would ruin the chapter. Sorry!
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter eight of "Is It Love?" (even thought it's sad as Hell)
> 
> NOTE: Jean's texts are in bold and Marco's are in italics.
> 
> EDIT: My friend Xavier said that at the party, it didn't seem like Marco had been beaten up the day before. So I changed somethings. I hope you don't mind.

_LAST TIME_

_“Marco. I’ll keep you safe. You know I will. I will always keep you safe. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop today from happening. But trust me, if you come to the party, I will keep you safe. I promise.” He reached over and took my hand, caressing the back of it with his thumb. “I promise, Marco. I will keep you safe.”_

* * *

August 25th, 2012

Even though Jean had wanted me to spend the night Friday, especially after what had happened at school, I decided not to. Yes, he took care of me, but when it came time for me to get my car to go pick up Mikasa, I said goodbye until the party. After begging for what seemed like hours, but was really only about ten minutes, Jean had finally worn me down enough to say yes to going to his party.

So when I went home, I decided to use my time to finish my homework for the weekend and to watch movies with my family. We had a Disney movie marathon, following the vote of five to one, my dad being the only one not wanting it. But as always, he ended up curled up next to my mom, his head on her shoulder, tearing up at Mufasa’s death. He always denied the small tears when we pointed them out, but we knew how much he cared. So we all simply sniffed away our own tears and finished the marathon.

When Mikasa and Bertholdt were both asleep and Christa nearly there, my parents decided to call it quits. I picked up Mikasa and carried her to her room, my dad doing the same for Bertholdt while my mom ushered the barely awake Christa up to her room. After I had tucked Mikasa in and said goodnight to my other siblings, I poked my head in my parents’ room, whispering “goodnight” and “I love you” before heading to bed myself.

It had been late when I went to bed and even later when I woke up, Saturdays being my day to sleep in. I ended up waking up around two in the afternoon, but I lay in my bed and wrote stories in my head until four. I might have dozed off for a second, but my light sleep was interrupted by my phone buzzing, indicating that I had gotten a text.

I groaned, rolling over to grab my phone off of my bedside table, the movement hurting my ribs. I already knew who was texting me. Only one person outside of my family knew my number, but even so, I still smiled when I saw Jean’s name pop up.

**Hey Sweetie. How did u sleep? U still coming 2 the party 2night? I can’t wait 2 see u ;)**

I smiled at his text, especially at the pet name that he gave me. I was about to reply when a second text came in.

**I hope u don’t mind me calling u ‘Sweetie’ :/**

At this text, I actually laughed out loud before typing and sending my reply.

 _No, I don’t mind. :) And I slept well. Thanks for asking. And yes, I am coming to the party tonight. I can’t wait to see you too._ _< 3_

I smiled as I hit send, setting down my phone to rub my eyes before I sat up in bed, wincing as the movement pulled on my stiff muscles. I swung my feet off my bed and planted them firmly on the carpet as I sat on the edge of my bed. I yawned, stretching my arms high above my head, flinching from the pain that appeared as my sides were stretched. I jumped slightly when my phone buzzed again, swiping the password in and opening up Jean’s new text.

**Good. Because I like calling u pet names ;) As much as I would like 2 talk, I g2g set up everything 4 the party. See u later Sweetie. <3**

I smiled at my phone, wishing that I was there with Jean instead of alone in my room. I quickly typed my reply and goodbye before I shut the screen off. I stretched once more before standing up and walking to my dresser. I grabbed a change of clothes then I headed to my bathroom to take a long, hot shower that would hopefully ease my sore muscles.

* * *

Eight o’clock came much too soon. I dragged my feet getting my shoes on and brushing my teeth, not sure if it was a good idea to go to the party. But a text from Jean at eight fifteen sped me up considerably.

**Where r u? R u gonna be here soon? I wanna see u. :/**

_I’m leaving now. I’ll be right there. :)_

I smiled as I pocketed my phone, grabbing my keys and walking to our front door.

“I’m leaving now. I’ll be back later.” I called out to my family, hearing a chorus of “goodbyes” and “I love you’s” as I walked out the door. I sat in my car for a moment, thinking, before I started it and began the trip to Jean’s house.

The closer and closer I got to his house, the more and more anxious I got. What if Reiner and everyone saw me? What would they do? Would they beat me up? Am I allowed to approach Jean tonight? Or am I just supposed to be a wallflower? All of these questions kept running through my head, creating a spiraling tornado that threatened to overwhelm me. But when Jean’s house came into sight, all of my fears left me. Even though I couldn’t be seen with Jean, I could at least look at him. And the thought of seeing my boyfriend calmed me down enough to park my car in the street and gave me the courage to walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. When the door opened, I was greeted by a smiling Jean.

“Hey Marco! Come on in!” He touched my shoulder gently before leaning in to whisper in my ear. “I’m so glad that you could come. I missed you.” He gently kissed my cheek before pulling back and welcoming me into his home.

“There are drinks and pizza in the kitchen, board games in the sunroom and video games in the living room. There’s also a movie marathon going on in the basement. Feel free to join in wherever you want.” And with that, Jean disappeared into the living room, being greeted by shouts of “welcome back”.

I made my way into the kitchen where I grabbed a bottle of water and opened it, sipping it slowly. I could feel the anxiety surfacing again, but I stifled it and just sipped my water, watching the group playing video games from my spot against the counter in the kitchen. From what I could see, they were playing some sort of first person shooter, Jean’s character in the lead. I silently rooted for Jean, smiling when the game ended and he was the first place shooter. I took another drink of my water, feeling myself calm down a bit more.

I watched the video game for about thirty minutes, silently cheering whenever Jean got a kill, before my stomach growled. I glanced over at the pizza, debating on whether I should eat a slice or not. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, so I could spare the calories. I shrugged, walking over and grabbing a slice of cheese pizza before returning to my spot against the counter.

By nine o’clock, the majority of the school and most of the senior class was a Jean’s house. I thanked my lucky stars that I had yet to encounter Reiner and his friends. I had gotten many stares by my peers, but I ignored them, content in being at Jean’s house and not getting beaten up. But that contentment wouldn’t last long as the group playing videos games suddenly paused the game.

“Man, I’m hungry. Let’s go get some pizza.” A voice that caused chills to run down my spine slowly got louder as the person it belonged to made his way from the living room to the kitchen. I quickly huddled against the side of the refrigerator, trying to be invisible to Reiner. But I wasn’t that lucky.

“Oi, Freak.” He walked up to me, his quest for pizza forgotten. “I thought I said not to come to this party. Do you really like getting beat up this badly? Anyways, I owe you something. You caused all of us to get suspended from school for a week. So now, it’s payback time.” He cracked his knuckles menacingly before calling out to his buddies. “Hey, Annie! Thomas! Ymir! Daz! Get your asses in here!” He turned back to me as we both heard his cohorts’ footsteps. “You’re going to be sorry that you came.”

I closed my eyes and waited for the beating to start. I loosened all of the muscles in my body so that it would hopefully hurt less. But even doing that didn’t prepare me for the first punch. My head snapped to the side, just like at school, as Reiner hit me. I winced, his punch being right over the bruise from his one from yesterday. I felt someone pull me away from the fridge as Reiner kicked my stomach, all of my breath leaving me. I felt a punch hit my stomach, then another. After five punches to my stomach, I stopped counting and instead focused on trying to keep myself breathing. It was hard enough breathing from what happened yesterday, but after the punches, it was almost too much to keep breathing. Two more punches to my head caused it to start ringing and then something inside me just snapped. My eyes flew open as I grabbed Reiner’s hand that was swinging towards my face for the fourth time.

“Stop it.” I nearly growled as I threw Reiner’s hand away from me, it dropping to his side in shock. When Reiner pulled back his fist to punch me with all of his strength, I moved out of his way before swinging my leg out to swipe his feet out from under him. He fell to the floor and glared up at me.

“You’re going to wish that you hadn’t done that, Freak.” He snarled and grabbed my leg, pulling me down to the floor. Reiner quickly sat on me, pinning me to the floor. I struggled for a moment before giving up, realizing that the more I fought him, the worse it would be for me in the end.

Reiner punched my head again and again. I felt my lip split and my head felt like it was going to explode, but Reiner just kept on punching me. My vision was nearly all blur and stars when someone spoke.

“Stop it, Reiner. You’re going to kill him.”

Miraculously, Annie’s monotone voice got Reiner to stop punching me. He got up off of my chest, finally allowing me to get a full breath in.

“Yeah, he’s not worth going to Juvie over.” Reiner spit on my cheek and kicked my temple, letting me know how much he thought of me. “I would go home if I were you, Freak. No one wants you here. Maybe you should just kill yourself and do the world a favor. No one would miss you, anyways. So just go off yourself.” He laughed and walked back to the living room with his friends, leaving me to contemplate his words.

_‘Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should just kill myself. No one cares about me anyways. Jean is just lying to me. This is all just a lie.’_ I thought to myself as I struggled to push myself off the ground. When I was upright, I slumped against the fridge, looking at the living room, pleading to Jean telepathically that he would find me and save me. But he didn’t come so I slowly made my way out of the house and into my car. I drove off in a hurry, completely missing Jean’s worried gaze as he looked at my car from his front porch.

* * *

Jean’s POV

I was setting up a movie while Reiner and his friends went to the kitchen to get pizza. I silently hoped that Marco had gone to another room so that he wouldn’t get hurt by them, but when Reiner and everyone came back without pizza, I was instantly worried.

“Guys? What happened to the pizza?” I asked nervously, praying that they had just eaten it in the kitchen.

Reiner just laughed before replying. “We saw the Freak in there, so I guess we forgot about the pizza in favor of kicking his ass. You should have been there, Jean! I think we finally convinced him to kill himself. Isn’t that awesome?” He laughed more, kicking his feet up on the coffee table, smiling at me.

I blanched, scared shitless for Marco’s life. I quickly stood up and sprinted to the kitchen. I didn’t see Marco, but I heard a car start outside. I ran to the front door and opened it, looking around frantically, trying to see if Marco was out there. But all I saw were his taillights speeding off into the darkness. I knew then that Marco needed me. I quickly made my way back into the house and shouted to get everyone’s attention.

“Everyone! The party is over. Go home now!” I shut off the T.V. and knocked Reiner’s feet off of the coffee table, glaring at him when he started to protest.

“Jean, what’s going on? You’re acting funny. Why do we have to leave? The party is just getting started.” Reiner tried to put his feet up again but I stood in his way, my stare icy as I looked down at him.

“Reiner. Go the fuck home now or I swear to God I will physically kick you out of my house.” My voice was a growl as I pointed to the door.

“Geez Jean. Fine. We’ll leave.” Reiner stood up, glaring down at me. He stared me down for a moment before motioning with his hand. “C’mon guys. Let’s go.” And with that, Reiner stalked out of the living room, leaving me standing by myself in the center of the room.

I noticed people still lingering around on the edges of the living room and sunroom and my patience snapped.

“Get the fuck out of my house. Now dammit!” I glared at everyone staring at me, daring them to question me. But everyone just silently got up and left, looking at me strangely. When everyone on the main floor was gone, I slumped onto the couch, my strength leaving me. I sighed, knowing that I still had to clear the basement and second floor. I sighed once more, getting up to begin the process of clearing the rest of my house.

* * *

Jean’s POV

It took nearly thirty minutes to convince everyone to leave. Most people complied, but some seniors wanted to party more and refused to leave. I ended up literally kicking ten people out of the house. When the house was silent again, I did one last sweep of it, making sure that no one was making out in one of the guest bedrooms. When I found no one but me in the house, I quickly locked the entire place up and got in my car. I started driving to Marco’s house, my imagination running wild the closer I got to his house.

What would I find when I got there? Would Marco be okay? Or would he already be de-

I shook my head, ending that painful thought. _‘Hurry. I have to hurry. I have to save Marco. I promised him I would keep him safe and I didn’t. So now I have to keep him safe from himself.’_ I thought to myself, pulling into his driveway after an anxiety-filled ten minute drive.

I quickly parked my car and ran to his front door, pounding on it, hoping that someone would hear me. I was knocking for maybe thirty seconds before the door opened, revealing Marco’s dad.

“What do you want, Kirschtein?” Levi’s monotone voice and glare were meant to scare me, but my desperation stopped it from affecting me.

“Please, Mr. Bodt. I need to come in. I need to talk to Marco. Please. I think he’s hurt and in danger.” I was begging him, not caring for my dignity at all.

“No shit he’s hurt. He looks like a semi hit him. And this all happened at your party. So just leave my son alone and get your ass out of my sight now.” And with that, Levi slammed the door in my face. But that didn’t stop me. I began banging on the door again, shouting to Levi, praying that he would open the door again.

“Mr. Bodt! Please! I need to see Marco! Please let me in! I didn’t hurt him! Some other people did! I swear! Please. I need to know that he’s okay.” My voice cracked on the last words, my heart breaking for Marco. And when the door opened again, I quickly ran through it, completely ignoring Levi’s cries for me to get the hell out of his house.

I quickly ran to Marco’s room, not seeing him anywhere. I turned around, trying to see any clue of where he was, when I saw a light coming from underneath his bathroom door. I ran to the bathroom, jiggling the knob. Locked.

“Marco! Open the door. I need to come in. Open the door dammit!” I yelled the last bit, hitting the door, trying to get his attention. But when silence answered me, my blood ran cold. Something was wrong. Very wrong. So I ran my fingers along the top of the doorframe, hoping that a key would be there like in my house. Luckily, there was one, so I quickly unlocked the door with trembling fingers. The sight that greeted me when I opened the door would haunt me forever.

Marco was slumped against the tub, blood pouring from the countless cuts on his wrists. But that wasn’t the worst part. What made me kneel next to Marco on the floor in a puddle of his blood were the two empty pill bottles next to his hands and the note that lay next them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God I feel so bad for putting Marco through this shit. I feel like such a bad author. My poor poor baby.  
> And this isn't the saddest part of the story. Yeah.... it get's worse towards the end... Just an fyi.
> 
> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on! :)
> 
> I already have the general plot for chapter nine, so it should be up soon. Please keep reading! :)


	9. Themes: Dark, Give Up, Pen and Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER OPENS WITH A GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MARCO TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF. DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE POSSIBLY TRIGGERED. SKIP TO JEAN'S POV.
> 
> ALSO: PLEASE DO NOT USE THE METHODS I WRITE TO ACTUALLY TRY TO KILL YOURSELF. PLEASE DON'T. TALK TO ME INSTEAD, OKAY?
> 
> Okay. As the warnings said, this chapter opens up really really graphically and really depressing. Please take note and PLEASE don't act upon any thoughts based on this chapter.
> 
> This is kinda a long chapter, so I hope you don't mind.
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter nine of "Is It Love?" (even thought it's sad as Hell)
> 
> LONG notes at the end. Read only if you want to. They explain some things about me.

_LAST TIME_

_Marco was slumped against the tub, blood pouring from the countless cuts on his wrists. But that wasn’t the worst part. What made me kneel next to Marco on the floor in a puddle of his blood were the two empty pill bottles next to his hands and the note that lay next them._

* * *

Thirty Minutes Earlier

I hurriedly parked my car in the driveway, shutting it off as I leaned my throbbing head against the steering wheel. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, but the overall feeling of being done with everything overwhelmed me. I quickly got out of my car, slamming the door, before I ran into the house.

“Marco! You’re back early!” My mom greeted me from her spot at the kitchen table, but I ignored her, instead sprinting up the stairs to my parents’ bedroom.

“Marco? What are you doing in here?” My dad questioned me when I barged into the bedroom, startling him from his book.

“I need Tylenol for a headache.” That part was true. I did have a massive headache. But that wasn’t the only thing that I was going to be using the Tylenol for.

“Don’t you have some in your bathroom?” My dad got up from the bed and walked over to me, touching my face to attempt to force me to face him. I flinched away from his touch though, refusing to let him see my face.

“I don’t have any more. I need buy some, but for now, I’ll just take a couple from your bathroom.” I muttered, going into my parents’ bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

“Okay, Marco. Whatever you say.”

I heard my dad sigh and the bed creak slightly as he settled himself back upon it. I waited for a moment to make sure that he was absorbed in his book once more before I opened a cabinet underneath my dad’s sink, taking out the bottle of his sleeping medication. I quickly pocketed the entire bottle before I grabbed the Tylenol from the corner of the cabinet. I grabbed that bottle too, hiding it in the other pocket of my jacket, before I opened the door, quickly placing my hands in my pockets to hide the bottles.

“I’m going to rest in my room for a while until my headache goes away, okay?” I murmured as I left the room, hearing my dad’s small noise of agreement. I quietly ran down the hall to my bedroom, leaving the door wide open as I ran into my bathroom. I set down the two bottles before I went back to my room and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from my desk. Clutching them to my chest with shaking hands, I mentally wrote what my suicide note would say as I entered the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I uncapped the pen and began to write the note with shaky hands.

_Dear Family,_

_I’m so sorry that it had to come to this. I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. Please don’t feel as though this is your fault. I hid my depression and suffering from everyone, so you wouldn’t have known to save me. So please don’t blame yourselves. Mom, please keep on experimenting at the lab. You’ll go far. Dad, please keep on protecting everyone. You are an inspiration to police officers everywhere. Christa, please stay strong for Bertholdt and Mikasa. You’re the oldest now. You have to show them how to behave. Please be good for Mom and Dad. Bertholdt, I’ll be your Guardian Angel, so you don’t have to worry about anyone making fun of you for being shy. I’ll look over you. Mikasa, you probably won’t know what happened until you’re older, but I want you to know that Polo is in a better place. Polo will look after you forever, okay?_

_Okay. I think that about sums it up. Oh! If you see Jean Kirschtein, please tell him that this wasn’t his fault. Even he couldn’t protect me from myself._

_Well, I guess that this is goodbye._

_I love you all so much._

_Love,_

_Marco_

I looked over what I had written, noticing that there were tear drops on the page, slightly smudging some of the letters. But the note was still legible even with the tear stains, so I set it down on the ground, knowing that would be where I would end up. I then opened the Tylenol bottle, pouring out some of the white pills into my hand. I stared at them for a moment before I placed them on the counter gently, reaching for the bathroom cups by the sink. I grabbed about twenty, filling all of them up to the brim. I picked up the pills on the counter with my left hand and one cup with my right, raising both up to my mouth. I took a deep breath in, staring at myself in the mirror.

“You can never go back, Marco.” I muttered, feeling tears begin to run down my face again. I took another deep breath in and popped the pills into my mouth, quickly gulping down the water to swallow them. I gasped for air, not realizing that I had been holding my breath. Taking deep, even breaths, I poured out more Tylenol into my left hand and picked up the next cup with my right. I continued this process until the bottle was empty, shaking it to make sure that there weren’t any pills left. Hearing nothing, I grabbed the bottle full of sleeping medication. I quickly opened it, looking inside.

_‘There’s not that many, but it should be enough to put me to sleep forever. And if they can’t kill me, the Tylenol will.’_ I thought to myself as I shook out some of the smaller pills into my hand. I tossed them into my mouth, quickly swallowing them with a cup of water.

I continued this until the second bottle was empty. Once I had taken all of the pills, I looked at myself in the mirror again, seeing my freckles standing out on pale face. I was feeling quite sick to my stomach and I was afraid that I would throw up and negate my efforts to die. So I simply sank to the ground, accidentally knocking the bottles to the ground with me. I grabbed my razor from under my sink and rolled up my sleeves, preparing to ease my passing with the euphoria I got from cutting.

I took off my watch, setting on the ground next to me, as I settled myself against the bathtub and drew the razor across my wrist. I kept cutting, completely mutilating my arms as I waited for the sleeping medication to kick in. I looked at my watch, noting that I had taken all of the pills in five minutes. I figured that I had about another ten or fifteen minutes before I would be out like a light for good. Staring at my wrist, I noticed that there were no more clean places for me to cut. Shrugging, I drew the razor over and over in one spot, right above my pulse. I knew that I couldn’t make it to the vein. I had done enough research to know that I couldn’t do it with a razor. But seeing the blood pooling in the palm of my hand, overflowing onto my jeans, was enough to calm me. I transferred the razor to my left hand and began cutting in the same spot on my right wrist.

I kept cutting until, eventually, the pain of the cuts became too much to bear and I dropped the razor into the puddle of blood beneath me. My eyelids felt heavy and I fought to keep them open. I looked at my watch, seeing that it had been twelve minutes since I took the sleeping pills.

“It’s time.” I murmured to myself as I closed my eyes for the last time and let myself sink into nothingness.

* * *

Current Time

Jean’s POV

“Marco!” I screamed, kneeling down next to him, completely oblivious to the blood soaking through my jeans. “Marco! You have to wake up!” I shook his shoulders gently, desperately trying to get him to be alive. I rested my head on his chest, hearing a faint, barely-there heartbeat.

“Mr. Bodt! Call nine one one! Now!” I shifted Marco so that he was on his side, just in case he started vomiting. Even though I hated seeing people get sick, I wanted Marco to throw up, just so he could get some of the pills out of him.

“What is it Kirschtein?” Levi came barging into the bathroom, letting out a curse when he saw the horrors that lay inside it. “Shit!” He whipped out his cell phone and quickly dialed the emergency number, talking rapidly to the operator while I frantically tried to get Marco to come back to me.

“Marco. Please. Come back. Wake up. I need you to wake up. Please. If you can hear me, wake up. You can’t die! Marco! You can’t! Don’t leave me Marco!” I could feel the tears streaming down my face and onto Marco’s jacket, leaving dark spots where they landed. I gently stroked his hair out of his face, caressing the bruise on his cheek. “Marco. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t save you. God, I am so sorry. You don’t have to ever forgive me, but please, just wake up.” I curled around Marco’s body, sobs shaking my shoulders.

“Jean. An ambulance will be here shortly.” Levi touched my shoulder gently, getting my attention. “Can you tell me exactly what happened at your party?” He crouched down in front of me, picking up the pill bottles slowly, speaking softly, almost to himself. “Sleeping medication and Tylenol. God. He couldn’t have picked worse medications to overdose on.”

I waited until he was done talking to himself before answering his previous question. “I wasn’t in the room when it happened, but my ‘friends’ -” the air quotes were evident through my voice, “decided that they would teach him a lesson for getting them suspended. You see, they beat him up at school yesterday. I tried to stop them, but he got really hurt before I could, so after I had gotten them away from him, I brought him to the nurse. When he was there, he told the principal who did it and that ended with all of them being suspended. He didn’t go to class at all yesterday because they attacked him before school started, so after the nurse, I took him to my house.” My voice broke when I remembered the fear in Marco’s eyes when he talked about the party. I knew I shouldn’t have forced him!

“But nothing was wrong with Marco when he came home last evening. He was perfectly fine. Where did they hit him?” Levi turned Marco’s head so he could look at the bruise on his cheek, inhaling sharply at the sight of it.

“He didn’t want you guys to know so we covered up his face with my mom’s makeup. He also did it for the party this evening. This bruise is from when they beat him up today. Oh God, Marco! I’m so sorry.” I hugged Marco’s lifeless body, praying to anything and anyone to save him.

“Levi? There’s an ambulance outside and the EMTs want to come in with a stretcher. What’s going on?” Hanji’s voice came from the kitchen.

“Hanji.” Levi called to his wife. “Get the kids away from the door. Take them to my office and stay there. I’ll call you when we’re on our way to the hospital to explain.” He turned towards me, a stern look on his face. “Give Marco to me. I’ll take him to the ambulance.” Levi reached out to Marco, ready to pick him up, but I curled myself tighter around Marco.

“Kirschtein don-“

“I’ll get him, Mr. Bodt. He’s my boyfriend, so I should be the one to carry him. I’ll ride in the back with him. You can ride up front and tell them what he took.” The words just tumbled out of me as I gently picked up Marco’s limp body bridal style. I slowly maneuvered my body through the small bathroom door and down the stairs to the waiting stretcher in the kitchen. I placed Marco onto the stretcher carefully, almost as though he was made of glass. I ran after the EMTs and Marco as they pushed him out to the ambulance waiting in the driveway, climbing into the back after they had secured the stretcher in the vehicle.

“Sir, you need to leave the ambulance. Family members onl-”

“He is my boyfriend and my entire world. I am not leaving his side for a second!” I cut off the EMT, shouting slightly, panic arising at the fact that I might not get to stay with Marco.

“It’s okay. He can ride with my son.” Levi’s calm voice punctuated the tense conversation. He looked pointedly at me, almost if to challenge me to do something stupid. But I just nodded my thanks and held Marco’s hand.

“Sir, if you are going to be here, you need to at least step out of the way.” The EMT all but shoved me to the side of the ambulance, causing me to trip and suddenly sit down on the bench against the wall.

I watched, adrenaline flooding through my veins as they hooked Marco up to oxygen and to a heart monitor. Seeing the line moving up and down and hearing the beeps calmed me slightly as I listened to Marco’s heart beating. It was faint, but at least he was still here with us.

“Buckle yourself in.” The EMT commanded, gesturing to the seat that I currently occupied. I quickly complied, securing myself as the ambulance began to move.

“Marco.” I murmured, the severity of the situation finally settling in. I could lose Marco. My love, my life, was lying on a stretcher in an ambulance, dying as we watched. Suddenly, the line representing his heart began to jump wildly and erratically, the beeps loud in the closed space.

“His body’s going into shock!” One EMT shouted, grabbing an I.V. and hooking a needle up to it. “We need to get this into him. Drive steady!” She shouted to the driver, wiping off the crease of Marco’s elbow with an antiseptic wipe. I looked away as she stuck the needle into Marco’s arm, too afraid to look at it. “Prepare the AED just in case!”

My blood ran cold at her words. They might need to shock his heart? It’s that serious? “Oh God. Marco.” I cradled my head in my hands as I spoke quietly, hearing the sirens from outside the vehicle. I knew that they ambulance was speeding well over the speed limit, but even so, it would be at least seven minutes to get to the nearest hospital.

“Marco, hold on. Please, hold on.” My tears were falling freely now as I lifted my head to look at him. I yearned to hold his hand, to make sure that he was still alive, but I couldn’t do that without getting in the EMTs’ way. So I just sat back against the wall of the ambulance and stared at my love’s lifeless body, trying to calm myself down.

_‘This is all your fault!’_ I shouted inside my head, berating myself. _‘If you had protected him like you said you would, this would never have happened!’_ My tears turned into shoulder-wrenching sobs as I buried my face in my hands, whispering his name.

“Marco.”

* * *

After what seemed like an eternity, but was really only eight minutes, the ambulance pulled into the emergency room and suddenly, everything came to life. The doors opened and the stretcher carrying Marco was lifted out of the back of the ambulance and rushed into the E.R. I quickly unbuckled myself and ran after them, catching up to them quickly. I followed them for a while, turning with them into a room at the end of the hallway. The team of doctors and nurses picked up Marco’s body and shifted him onto the lone bed in the room, immediately sticking more heart monitors onto his chest.

“We’re going to run an EKG.” One doctor said to the room as a nurse pushed in a large machine. They clipped wires to the monitors on his chest and began to run the test while the other doctor spoke with an EMT. I turned to look at them, seeing Marco’s dad standing next to them.

“What happened?” The doctor’s stern voice echoed through the busy room. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the EMT who spoke, but Marco’s dad.

“This boy found my son unconscious and bleeding in my son’s bathroom.” He pointed to me and everyone turned to look at me.

“Sir, if you’re not family, we need you to leave.” The doctor walked over to me and grabbed my arm. But I shook him off, flinching away, shouting at him.

“No! Marco is my boyfriend and I love him! I have to stay with him to make sure he’s okay! I promised him that I would keep him safe. Please, let me stay. I already broke the promise when this happened, but I need to be here to make sure he’s safe! Please. Please.” I trailed off, sinking to my knees, cradling my head in my hands as my shoulders shook with sobs.

“Let him stay.” I heard Levi tell the doctor before footsteps came over to me. “Jean. Get up and sit in the chair by the window. Keep watch over my son while I tell the doctor what happened.” He gently touched my shoulder, squeezing slightly, before turning and walking back to the doctor, explaining what Marco overdosed on and when.

I sat up, slowly getting to my feet, before I made my way over to the seat by the one window in the room. I sank wearily down into it, staring at Marco and all the people bustling around him.

“Marco. Please, wake up. I need you. Please, just wake up.” My pleas came out as whimpers, the pain choking my throat, stopping me from saying anything more. I watched one doctor run out of the room, only to return a moment later with a syringe in his hand. I didn’t have to wait long for an explanation as he began speaking.

“Because the patient is unconscious, we can’t administer charcoal. And until we know when he took the pills, this is all we have to give. N-acetyl cysteine should help with counteracting the Tylenol.” He spoke to the rest of the team, emptying the contents of the syringe into Marco’s I.V. before setting the syringe down. Suddenly, the other doctor broke away from talking to Mr. Bodt and the EMT to tap his colleague’s shoulder, murmuring in his ear.

Suddenly, the doctor nearly shouted to the room. “Everyone who isn’t medical personnel needs to vacate the room. Even with the I.V. he needs to get his stomach flushed if he is to live. So boyfriend and dad, please wait in the waiting room.” And with that, the doctors all but shoved us out of the room.

I turned and stared at the closed door in shock, not fully comprehending what was going on. But when Levi gripped my wrist, I looked at him, surprised. He began leading me down to the waiting room, waiting until we were out of earshot of the room before speaking.

“Jean. Marco will be okay. He’s a fighter. He will survive. I’m just glad that I know what he is to you and what you are to him.” Levi sighed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “I’m glad that you barged your way into our house. If you hadn’t, Marco wouldn’t be here and would probably be dead soon. So thanks, for saving my son.” His voice was gruff and thick as I turned towards him, seeing a tear slowly slide down his face.

“If only I had protected him at my house. You see, no one can know about Marco and me being a couple. I will tell everyone, but it has to be at the right moment. But if I didn’t have to keep the secret, I could have saved him from getting beaten up. God! Why can’t I do anything right?” I gripped my head in frustration. Both Marco and I knew what would happen if we came out as a couple. So he just had to endure the waiting game for a while longer before we could finally become public. I knew when I was going to tell everyone. Marco just needed to trust me until then.

I was too caught up in my thoughts to realize that we were in the waiting room, until Levi gently pushed me into a chair, standing in front of me. I waited for a moment before I opened my mouth to question his actions, but Levi beat me to speaking.

“I’m going to go and call my wife and let her know what’s going on. Stay here. The procedure is going to take a while.” He sighed again, pulling out his phone. “Thanks for being here, Jean.” And with that, Levi left down the hallway to the outside, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I watched him leave before I turned to the clock on the wall, staring at it, wishing that it would run faster. After a minute, I tore my gaze from it and looked around me, taking in what the E.R. waiting room had to offer. I saw a coffee machine in the corner of the room and got up to make my way over to it. I looked at the clock once more, having already forgotten the time, noting that it was ten twenty at night. I shrugged and made coffee anyways, knowing that it was going to be a long night and I would need any caffeine available.

I returned to my seat and took a sip of the coffee, shuddering at how awful it tasted. I figured that it would be bad, just not this bad. But I shrugged again and took another sip, staring down the hallway where Marco’s room was. Yet as I did that, my mind was filled with horrible thoughts. I shuddered, my breath speeding up, the fear of the situation finally hitting me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, trying to clear my mind of any negative thoughts. I pictured Marco and me, lying on my bed watching a movie. I mentally wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me. I sighed, getting my breathing back to normal. Keeping my eyes closed, I took another sip of coffee, feeling the hot drink melt the fears away. Marco would be okay. He needed to. He had to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on!
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you guys appreciate what I go through for this story. Why? Because writing this chapter almost caused me to have several different panic attacks and I felt like I was going to throw up while writing the entire chapter, especially the first part.   
> Why? Because, well, Marco's overdose is based off of two of my own overdoses. Yes, I have overdosed on Tylenol and a sleeping medication. And let me tell you, both put you through hell. The charcoal I mentioned? Yeah, if you're conscious and have overdosed on medicine, but definitely on Tylenol, the hospital's first actions are to make you drink four large cups of powdered charcoal mixed with sprite. And one sip will make you throw up. I'm not shitting you. I took one tiny sip and I started vomiting. So Marco is lucky that he didn't have to drink charcoal. During the Tylenol overdose, I threw up fifteen times in two hours. And that overdose was over four and a half years ago and I still can't have Tylenol because if I have it, it will damage my liver. Yeah.... Tylenol overdoses really fuck you up.
> 
> I was lucky during my overdoses. I chickened out of them and told people with enough time to save me. And I can vouch for the sleeping medicine working that fast. I called 911 right after I took them and by the time I was as the hospital, I was barely conscious. Granted, Marco took much more than me in both Tylenol and the sleeping medication, but I still tried to keep it as accurate as possible. I don't know much about a sleeping medication overdose because as I said before, I was barely conscious and too far gone mentally to understand what the doctors were doing to save my life. But for the Tylenol overdose I knew what was going on. And it was Hell on Earth. But because it was four and a half years ago, I can't remember much of it. But one thing that a nurse told me scared the living shit out of me and I am using that knowledge to my advantage in this story. She told me that I took enough Tylenol to kill four, full grown, men. And I was a 5 foot 7, barely over 100 pound girl. Yeah... It was awful.
> 
> So please, DO NOT TRY TO KILL YOURSELF. Please just talk to me! I know what it's like to want to kill yourself, so please, just come vent to me. I won't judge or anything. So please, don't cut or try to kill yourself. Just come talk to me. Please. It would honestly kill me if I found out that someone killed themselves using the knowledge from my story. So please, don't do it.
> 
> Please remember that I love you and that I want you here on the Earth. Even if we have never spoken before, I already love you and want you to be safe and happy. So please, don't kill yourself.


	10. Themes: Innocence, Memory, Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. Please forgive me. Explanation of why the update took so long [here](http://riverspirit86.tumblr.com/post/92486497217/why-chapter-10-took-so-long)  
> Sad feels but everything will be made okay within the next two chapters. I promise.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! Please tell me what you think in a comment! ^^

_LAST TIME_

_I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, trying to clear my mind of any negative thoughts. I pictured Marco and me, lying on my bed watching a movie. I mentally wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me. I sighed, getting my breathing back to normal. Keeping my eyes closed, I took another sip of coffee, feeling the hot drink melt the fears away. Marco would be okay. He needed to. He had to survive.  
_

* * *

Jean's POV

I must have dozed off in the waiting room despite the shitty coffee because the next thing I remembered was Levi shaking me awake. I stared up at him with blurry eyes, slowly blinking the sleep away. I kept my gaze focused on Levi as I tried to figure out where I was. This wasn’t Marco’s room, nor was it mine. All of a sudden, the memories of what had happened slapped me right in the face. I curled in on myself in the chair, a rough sob forcing its way from my throat. I whimpered as I remembered finding Marco and the ambulance ride over. I felt a few tears slide down my face when I remembered being shoved out of the room so the doctors could save Marco’s life. I looked up at Levi through tear-filled eyes, silently begging him for good news.

"They're done flushing Marco's stomach; even though visiting hours are over, the doctors are still going to allow us to see Marco. So let's go." Levi said quietly before slowly walking down the hallway that led to Marco's room. I hurriedly stood up and followed Levi, anxious to see Marco. When we entered Marco's room, I immediately ran to his side, clutching his hand desperately, with tears streaming down my face.

"He's stable now but in a coma. We don't know when, or if, he'll wake up. I'm sorry." The doctor murmured, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I choked when I heard the doctor’s words. ‘ _I can’t lose Marco. I can’t! He needs to wake up! I can’t imagine my life without him! Oh God. Please, don’t let me lose him!’_ My thoughts were racing as my mouth began babbling random nonsense. “Marco . . . Please. Wake up. I’m begging you, sweetie. Please, open your eyes. You need to wake up. You have to finish senior year. You have to graduate with me. Please Marco. I’ll do anything for you just as long as you wake up. Please! Please . . .” I held Marco’s hand tightly in mine, my head on the bed, shoulders shaking with sobs.

“Jean. Calm down. I have faith that Marco will survive; he’s a fighter. Don’t you have faith that your boyfriend will come back to you?” Levi leaned over me and brushed a stray hair out of Marco’s closed eyes. “If you’re worried, pray. I don’t know if you’re religious, but just pray to whatever you believe in that Marco will wake up, okay?”

With Levi’s words, I felt my tears slowly stop falling as I took a deep breath in. Marco would survive; I know he would. ‘ _He’s strong and he wouldn’t leave me. I know he wouldn’t_.’ I took another breath and looked up at Levi. “Thank you, Sir. It means a lot for you to say those things to me.” I gave him a half-smile, still scared that Marco wouldn’t wake up.

“You’re welcome, Jean. If you want to stay here tonight, I’ll talk with the doctors to make sure you can. Would you like that?” Levi questioned, gazing sadly down at his comatose son before straightening up and walking to the door.

“That would be nice. Thank you.” I nodded, turning back to Marco. I kissed his hand gently and held it against my cheek, hearing Levi mutter a soft “okay” before leaving the room.

“Marco, sweetie. If you can hear me, please move your hand. Please make a sign that you’re still here; that you’re still fighting. Please, Marco. Please.” A single tear fell from my eye and onto Marco’s limp hand that I was clutching to my cheek. I waited with bated breath for any signs of life from my boyfriend, but got nothing. I sighed, laying my head down on his bed and resting his hand on top of my head.

“I’ll be here for you, Marco. Whether you want me to or not, I’ll always be here. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. I would do anything to go back in time and protect you from those assholes. I’m so sorry.” My last words came out as a whisper as I gazed up Marco’s body to his relaxed face, thoughts racing through my head about how I wasn’t able to protect him. This was the first time I had seen him completely relaxed. I winced when I remembered why he appeared so lax, sighing as I gently ran a hand across his bruised cheek.

“The doctors say you can spend the night. If you want to give me your car keys, I can bring it to the hospital tomorrow when my wife and I visit.” Levi’s soft voice came from behind me, causing me to jump slightly in surprise.

“Oh. Okay.” I reached my hand that wasn’t occupied with Marco’s face into my pocket, pulling out my keys before handing them to Levi. “Thank you, Sir.”

“I’ll take good care of your car,” was Levi’s response, to which I simply nodded, not taking my eyes off of Marco.

“My wife is here to pick me up, so I’m leaving now. I will see you tomorrow. Please watch over my son for me.” Levi said quietly, gently squeezing my shoulder before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

I sighed, shifting around and sitting up straight, grabbing the hand that had been on my head and gently placing it on the bed beside Marco. _‘There’s no way I’m going to get any sleep in this chair . . .’_ I thought to myself before making a sudden decision. I hopped up onto the bed by Marco’s side, making sure that I wasn’t on the side with the I.V. stuck in his arm, before shifting the sheets aside and curling up under them. I lay my head on Marco’s chest, hearing his faint heartbeat, and wrapped his limp arm around my shoulders. I moved once or twice before settling down next to my boyfriend, letting out a large sigh, already feeling my eyes closing from exhaustion.

“I’ll always be here, Marco. Always.”

* * *

August 26th, 2012

I woke up to a doctor changing out Marco’s I.V. bag. I grumbled slightly, rubbing my eyes gently before glancing at the clock next to the door.

“12:30 . . .?” I looked up at the doctor, my unasked question in my eyes and hanging in the air around us.

“A.M.” was her only reply as she tucked the used bag under her arm. She straightened up and left the room, stopping for a moment in the doorway to speak. “We’ll be coming in about every two or three hours to change his I.V. and to check his vitals, so you might wake up at those times. So go back to sleep while you can.”

I nodded sleepily, my head finding its place on Marco chest once more as she left the room.

“Please wake up soon, Marco.” I murmured as I slipped into sleep once more.

* * *

I woke up to someone changing Marcos I.V bag again. I glanced over at the clock on the wall and found it showing 9:30 a.m. I figured that I had been just too tired to wake up for the two in between the first and this one, hence me waking up now. I yawned, sitting up and stretching, Marco’s arm falling off of my shoulder. I winced when it hit the mattress with a small thud, feeling awful that I could have just injured Marco further. I looked up at the nurse, worry and fear in my eyes. But she just smiled and spoke quietly while she finished with his I.V.

“Normal visiting hours start at ten, so you might want to make yourself presentable. I’ll bring in a disposable toothbrush and some toothpaste in a moment. The bathroom is through that door in the corner. Is there anything else you need?”

I stared at her in shock for a moment, not understanding why someone was being so kind to an obviously gay teen. I mean, our families accepted us and that was great. I just didn’t expect anyone else to be so kind to us. And of course, me being the ever-so-eloquent-Jean-Kirschtein, I questioned her motives.

“Why are you being so kind to me?” I looked at her warily, confused. But she just smiled at me moving closer to the bed and to Marco. When she brushed a few strands of his hair out of his closed eyes, I just stared, utterly lost, waiting for an explanation.

“The Bodt’s and I go way back; I went to high school with both Hanji and Levi. So did your parents, Jean.” She laughed slightly, smiling down at my boyfriend. “I was with Hanji when Marco was born; your mom was there with the both of us as well. Both Hanji and I were with Rose when she had you, too. All of us girls in our friend group from high school ended up having our first kids around the same time. Me with Lily, Hanji with Marco, and Rose with you. You wouldn’t remember, but you and Marco were inseparable as very little ones. It helped that you guys were only two months apart and that all of us girls were being first time moms together.” She stopped looking at Marco and instead turned her gaze towards me.

“I’m not sure when your parents drifted a bit from everyone else, but I’m sure that with you dating Marco, everyone will be together again. Boy, you’ve grown so much since I last saw you. Granted, you were five at the time, but still.” She laughed slightly, holding out her hand to me. “I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Petra. I’m married to Auruo Bossard, one of Levi’s friends.”

I took her hand carefully, still slightly wary of everything she said _. ‘I was friends with Marco when we were little? And my mom was there when Marco was born?’_ God, this was just too confusing.

Petra must have noticed my look of confusion when we shook hands, and she just chuckled lightly in response.

“I’ve given you a lot to think about. It will take time to figure out; in the meantime I’ll go get some toiletries for you now. I hope mint toothpaste is okay.” She smiled at both Marco and me before leaving the room.

I just stared at Marco in silence, trying to understand everything that had been said. After my brain had gone in several circles and was in potential danger of crashing, I shook my head to clear it, focusing back on Marco. I realized that I was still under the covers with him, so I quickly slipped out from under them and back into the chair where I had begun my night yesterday. Yawning and stretching again, I heard my back crack and wince at the sound. I turned to the door when I heard a knock, motioning Petra inside with one hand, the other already holding onto one of Marco’s.

“Here’s a temporary toothbrush and some toothpaste. I’m assuming that you won’t be spending the night tonight because of school tomorrow? So you shouldn’t need another for tonight, right?” Petra questioned me, setting down the navy blue toothbrush and small tube of mint toothpaste next to Marco’s and my joined hands. I shook my head no, not feeling up to responding verbally. I honestly didn’t feel like leaving Marco for school tomorrow, and debated if my parent’s would allow me to skip. I sighed, looking down at our hands and then back up at Petra, waiting for her to say something.

“Okay. I should be back around 12:30 to change his I.V. again, so I’ll see you then. Stay strong, Jean. Marco will get through this.” And with that, Petra left the room after patting my back, off to check on more patients.

I looked at the toothbrush and toothpaste next to my hand and I groaned mentally. I didn’t want to get up, but I knew I had to look at least a little proper if I was to see Marco’s family. Or you know, at least not have morning breath. I knelt over Marco and kissed his forehead gently, before grabbing the toiletries and heading to the small bathroom in the corner of the room.

I quickly brushed my teeth and rinsed, making my way back to Marco's side before long. When I was seated next to Marco again, I slowly interlaced our fingers, laying my head down next to our joined hands. I glanced up at the clock on the wall, noting that visiting hours started in five minutes. I groaned, knowing that I couldn’t be seen holding hands with Marco when his family came in. Just because Levi accepted us, or at least I thought he did, didn’t mean that the rest of Marco’s family would. So I kissed Marco’s forehead gently before pulling back and arranging his I.V.-free arm at his side. ‘ _I wish I could keep holding his hand.’_ I thought asI let go of his hand, just in time too, because there was a small, tentative knock on the door. Walking to the door, I straightened my back and squared my shoulders, wanting to appear brave and strong for Marco’s family.

When the door opened, Hanji rushed past me immediately going to Marco’s side. I got a quick look at her tear-streaked cheeks before she buried her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking with sobs. Everyone else was silent, letting Hanji have her moment with her son. Suddenly, Hanji bounded out of the chair I had previously occupied and ran over to me, wrapping me in her arms tightly.

“Jean.” She choked out through her sobs, her arms tightening slightly, “Thank you for coming after Marco last night. If you hadn’t, he would be –” A loud, hiccupping sob made its way out her throat as Hanji buried her face in my neck, her tears hot against my skin.

I didn’t know how to react, so I just patted her back gently and murmured a few comforting words before she spoke up.

“Levi told me about you and Marco. That you guys are dating.” Hanji pulled back to give a tear-stained smile. “I won’t tell anyone until you guys are ready. Just know that you have our approval.” She tightened the hug for a moment before letting go and walking to the door, whispering about getting the kids ready to see Marco. As she left, Levi came over to me and gently laid his hand on my shoulder, staring at me for a moment, before going over to Marco. I retreated to the corner of the room, trying not to hear the private words Levi was speaking to his son. I caught a few though, and they made me smile.

“You’ve got a good boyfriend waiting for you, Marco. You should come back to him. He misses you. We all do.”

I felt a small tear slip down my cheek when Levi’s voice cracked on his last words. I wanted to go over and provide what little comfort I could, but I didn’t want to interrupt his time with his son. So I just watched silently as Levi smiled sadly down at Marco, brushing his hair out of his eyes gently.

“Jean. Come here.” Levi’s voice was faint and filled with unshed tears as he turned to me and motioned for me to join him at Marco’s side. I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears as I walked over to him, standing silently at his side as I waited for Levi to speak. I didn’t expect Levi to grab one of my hands and join it with one of Marco’s limp ones. He held our joined hands and spoke softly.

“I trust you with Marco. I trust you with his life. I know he’s going through some tough stuff right now, but please, just do your best to make him happy. That’s all I ask.” Levi let go of both of our hands and retreated to the corner I previously occupied as the door opened again, Hanji ushering her three other children in. I quickly moved away from the bed to allow them the space to see Marco.

Christa took one look at Marco and burst into tears, hugging Hanji for dear life, her face buried in her mom’s side. The scene just made my heart hurt worse, knowing that I indirectly caused all of this family’s pain. Bertholdt just stood in the doorway, eyes wide, staring at Marco. I wanted to go over and comfort him, but I didn’t know how. So I watched him shake himself from the shock just enough so he could stumble his way over to Marco and curl up next to him on the bed, trying to hide his tears and nearly silent sobs. Both Christa’s and Bertholdt’s pain hurt me to the core, but it was Mikasa’s reaction that hurt the most.

“Mommy? Why is Polo sleeping? He should be up. He needs to be up.” Mikasa left her mom’s side to go to Marco’s, shaking his arm gently.

“Polo? You need to get up. You said you’d take me to the park today. Polo, you need to get up. Wake up! Wake up Polo! Wake up!” Mikasa’s eyes were filling with tears as she shook Marco’s arm harder. But when he didn’t wake up, Mikasa ran to her mother, her tears finally falling.

“Mommy. Why isn’t Polo waking up? He has to wake up! Make him wake up!” Hanji picked up her youngest child and held her close to her chest, her own tears falling softly as she clutched her crying child for dear life.

“Mikasa. Polo might not wake up. And if he does wake up, it might take a while. Polo just needs a long sleep now, okay?” Hanji’s voice was cracking and threatening to break on every word she spoke, yet she still walked over to Marco’s side, holding Mikasa above Marco.

“Maybe if you talk to him, Polo will hear you. Maybe give him a kiss on the cheek?” Hanji gently set Mikasa down next to Marco’s head, her hand touching her back gently to make sure she didn’t fall. Mikasa kissed Marco’s cheek gently before whispering to him.

“Polo. Sleep as long as you want. Be sure to wake up though, ‘kay?” She kissed his cheek one more time before crawling back into her mother’s arms, her tears falling quietly.

I couldn’t take it anymore. The guilt and pain was overwhelming me and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I ran from the room, wanting to be anywhere but there. _‘Oh god what have I done?’_ I thought as I ran and ran, trying to find somewhere I could break down privately. But I couldn’t find anything but other families crying over their loved ones or heavily populated rooms. I eventually reached the end of a hallway and saw a small closet on my left. I tried the handle, and I was surprised when the door swung open. I stepped inside, leaving only a sliver of the door open before I lost it. I knelt on the floor, tears streaming down my face as I openly wept. I sobbed and sobbed, my fists beating an uneven tempo on the concrete floor, my heart beating so fast I thought it would beat straight out of my chest.

_‘This is all my fault. If only I had been stronger. If only I had been there for him. If only I wasn’t such a goddamn failure! I caused all of this pain. There’s no one but me to blame. His siblings might grow up without an older brother. His parent’s might not have a child anymore. Oh God why am I such a fucking failure!?’_

I cried and begged, screamed and whispered, prayed and cursed. I did anything that would help get the pain out. But nothing would ever truly end the pain I was feeling. Eventually I calmed down enough to wipe my eyes and stand up, stumbling a little as I opened the closet door. Looking both to my left and right, I made sure no one would see me leaving a closest I probably wasn’t supposed to get into in the first place.

I walked back down the hallway, trying not to imagine what would happen if Marco didn’t wake up. I stopped in horror when the very thing I was attempting to avoid came to the front of my mind. ‘ _Oh god no, please, anything but that.’_ My mind conjured up fake images of Marco in a casket, everyone crying around his still body. Images of the closed casket being buried, a small grave above freshly turned dirt flew around and around in my head. I visibly flinched and brought my hands up to press into my eyes, doing anything to get the living nightmare to stop. I didn’t notice I was shaking and whimpering until someone gripped my arm tightly, speaking my name gently.

“Jean. It’s okay.”

I was surprised to hear my mom’s voice and I took my hands away from my eyes to look at her in shock. But one look at her tear-filled eyes just brought the pain to the surface all over again. I nearly collapsed in her open arms, my tears burning hot trails down my face yet again. I wept like a small child, freely and without care, in my mother’s arms. I don’t know how long we stood there in that deserted hallway, but my mom held me until I completely cried myself out. ‘ _Thank you.’_ I thought asI pulled back to look at her, noticing her own tears silently falling before hugging her tightly then pulling away for good. She smiled sadly through her tears quickly before leading me back to Marco’s room. I stumbled after her; all of my crying had completely exhausted me. We walked in silence for a moment before I voiced the questions rattling around in my head.

“How did you know I was here? How did you find me?”

My mom just kept walking, talking over her shoulder as she replied to me. “I called Hanji this morning. I asked her if you were with Marco at her house, since nothing was cleaned up from the party and you weren’t home when we came back. She was sobbing too hard for me to make out what she was saying, so I had her give the phone to Levi. He told me that Marco was in the hospital and that you spent the night with him. He also told us the room number and said that you needed us. So we came here and when we found Marco’s room, Levi said you had run out suddenly. So your father stayed in the room with the kids and the Bodt’s while I went and searched for you. Now, here we are.” She stopped in front of Marco’s door, turning to face me, a stern look on her face.

“Jean. You need to be strong. You can handle this. I know you can. So chin up. Things will turn out in the end.” She smiled slightly before entering Marco’s room, going directly over to Hanji to give her a half hug. I followed her in, walking to stand next to my father. I said nothing, but I felt his hand rest on my shoulder a moment later, giving me silent support. I saw my brothers playing with Mikasa on the floor by the window. She wasn’t crying anymore, probably because of the arrival of her close friends, but I still felt horrible for causing so much pain. ‘ _It hurts, seeing people I care about in so much pain that I caused.’_

The chair next to Marco’s bed was unoccupied, so I left my dad’s side and sat down in it, taking Marco’s hand in my own. I stared at his face and silently asked for help and prayed for him to wake up. _‘Please just let him wake up. Please God. Please.’_  I just kept thinking positive thoughts; thoughts of what we were going to do when Marco woke up, thoughts of our future together, things like that. I don’t know how long I was lost in my daydreams or how long everyone was in the room, just comforting each other. The time just slipped by and before we knew it, visiting hours were over.

When the nurse came in to inform us that we had to leave, my daydream was broken and I looked around the room for the first time in hours. Both my mother and Hanji had left, along with all of the kids. I saw Levi by the window, just staring out it into the fading light. I looked around the room for my dad and saw him standing at the door, beckoning me to leave. I nodded, gently kissing Marco’s hand then stood up. I arranged his hand at his side before I called out gently to Levi.

“Thank you, Mr. Bodt. Thank you for everything.”

And with that, I left.

* * *

When I got home, the first thing I did was plug in my phone that I had left sitting on the kitchen counter from yesterday. When it finally turned on, it started buzzing nonstop for a few seconds, letting me know of all the texts I missed since the party. I had gotten several from my “friends” and I opened them up, scrolling briefly through their idiocy.

**From Reiner**

**yo asshole. y u stop the party? dick move man.**

I scoffed at his message, moving on to the next ones.

**From Reiner**

**u wanna hang out 2day? what abt 2pm? ur house?**

**From Reiner**

**dude fucking reply. ass.**

**From Reiner**

**fine. dont hang out. whtvr. c u 2moro @ practice**

Those were all my messages from Reiner, the last one received around four in the afternoon. I shrugged before looking through my other texts from my “friends”. They were all pretty much the same thing, asking why I stopped the party and if I could hang out. I read through all of them before turning my phone off, not replying to any of them. ‘ _Fucking hell.’_ Looking at my watch, I saw that it was nearly midnight. I sighed, knowing that I had to get some rest for school tomorrow, so I headed upstairs to my bedroom to get ready for bed.

I quickly changed into pajamas and brushed my teeth, curling up under the covers and resting my head on the pillow Marco used just only three nights ago. I felt tears come to my eyes as I remembered our first night together and where we were now. ‘ _I wish he was here so everything would be better.’_ I sniffed, trying my hardest not to cry, as I silently prayed that Marco would be okay. As I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep, a single tear slipped out and fell down my face onto the pillow below me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? How did you like it? Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on!
> 
> Again, I am so sorry that this took so long. I am planning on getting chapter 11 out by August 17th.
> 
> My tumblr is [here](http://riverspirit86.tumblr.com/) if you want to talk about anything really. I'm tracking the tags: riverspirit86, fic: is it love, and jeanmarco is it love
> 
> Many many thanks to my lovely beta, Tuttifruiticuti! You can find her tumblr [here](http://tuttifruiticuti.tumblr.com/)


	11. Themes: Breathe Again, Sport, Can You Hear Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Sorry for the long wait! I hope you guys are okay with a long chapter because this thing is over 6,600 words! Tons of stuff happens and I am so glad to finally get this chapter out. I really hope you guys like it!
> 
> Many, many thanks to my amazing beta tuttifruiticuti for being an amazing friend and for kicking my ass into gear when push came to shove. Please go send her love! Her tumblr is [here](http://tuttifruiticuti.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also, many thanks to everyone who dealt with me being depressed, anxious, and just basically being done with life while I wrote this chapter. This is for you. :)
> 
> Please enjoy~!

August 27th, 2012

I woke up to my alarm blaring in my ear, and for the first time in years, I hit the snooze button. I needed just a few more minutes before I would be ready to face the world after the hellish weekend I had had. I rolled over and stared at my wall, trying to make sense of what had happened. I stared and stared, yet no clarity came to my mind. I closed my eyes before too long, my alarm was going off again and I honestly wondered if I could pass off as being sick just so I could stay home. I turned over and reset my alarm, setting the time for 6:45. I pulled the covers up over my head, forming a protective cocoon around my body, as I fell back asleep for another hour or so.

* * *

 

When my alarm went off again, I slowly blinked my eyes open, hitting the off button to stop the loud noise. I sat up and stretched, yawning as I gently rubbed my eyes, trying to wake myself up. After I was conscious enough to function at a fairly normal level, I left the warmth of my bed and walked to my closet.

“What to wear, what to wear,” I muttered to myself as I peered through my closet. I grabbed some jeans, my favorite gray, plaid shirt, and all of the other clothing necessities for the day, before heading to the bathroom.

I had planned on taking only a ten minute shower, but the hot water on my aching muscles just felt so good, causing my plans to fade from mind. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the warmth, trying not to think of how I was going to handle today. _‘Shit. Not now.’_ I thought as I wrapped one arm around my torso as my other hand came up to cover my mouth. I felt sick, and the sobs that were threatening to bubble out of me weren’t helping. Eventually, the pained cries I had been holding back slipped out, along with many tears as I cried alone in the shower.

_‘Goddammit! Why?’_ I thought, my tears mixing with the water pouring down on my body. _‘Why us?’_

Soon, the warm water began to turn cold and I knew it was time to face the day, unwilling as I was. I turned the cooling water off and I grabbed my towel, quickly drying myself off before getting out and checking the time on my phone.

“Seven thirty!? I was in the shower for forty minutes?! Shit!” I scrambled frantically, trying to pull on clothes onto a still slightly wet body. I hurriedly plugged in my blow dryer and tried to get as much moisture out of my hair as possible, knowing full well that it would still be damp when I got to school. After a few minutes, and when my hair was mostly dry, I glanced at my phone once more and let out a soft curse at the time. I grabbed my favorite hat, a red beanie that made me look like even more of a douche than I was, and put it on, ruffling the hair that stuck out so it could actually pass as a decent style.

I grabbed my backpack from its spot by my desk and ran downstairs, tousling both Armin and Eren’s hair before kissing my mom’s cheek and swiping a bagel, running out the door with only seconds to spare. I quickly got into my car and drove off, waving goodbye to my mother and siblings as they waved back from the front porch.

I raced to school, thankfully hitting every green light on my way. I arrived just in time, running to my locker to switch out my books and then hurrying to my first period class. I looked around the classroom when I arrived, my stomach clenching when my eyes passed over Marco’s empty seat. _‘Just get through the day, Kirschtein. Then you can see Marco.’_ I looked around the room again, just now noticing there wasn’t an annoying blond shouting in my ear. “Oh right. They were suspended.” I whispered under my breath, resting my head on the desk in front of me. “I’ll see them at practice then. Oh shit practice. Fuck me.” I groaned, hitting my head against my desk gently, stopping only when the girl in front of me turned and glared. I shrugged, pillowing my head with my arms and falling asleep for the period.

I woke up to the bell and walked in a daze to my next class, promptly repeating my nap from first period. The rest of the day passed like this: waking up to the bell, trudging to my next class, before collapsing into sleep once more. The final bell of the day woke me up more than the others, however I still felt like I was trapped in an endless fog. I couldn’t seem to forget the sight that had repeated in every class. Marco’s empty desk haunted me and I silently prayed that he would be back to fill it soon.

My feet dragged as I made my way to the locker room. I was dreading seeing everyone, especially Reiner, because I knew that he was going to make some joke at Marco’s expense. _‘Just hold it together for two hours, Kirschtein. Two hours, then you can leave this hell-hole.’_ I thought while I walked out onto the field, narrowly avoiding getting tackled by Reiner.

“The Fuck, man?” I rounded on him, my hands balled into fists at my sides. I was so on-edge today. It felt like any little thing could set me off. _‘He’s gonna make a joke. I know it. Just stay calm.’_ However, my anger broke down into shock and confusion when Reiner started laughing out loud.

“Dude it’s fucking awesome! Marco’s actually in the hospital! In a coma! Dude we did it! We broke the freak!” Reiner was laughing so hard he was nearly crying. He slapped me on the back hard enough to hurt before clasping my shoulders, looking me in the eye. “We did it, Bro. We totally succeeded.”

I hung my head, trying to hide the pure and utter rage that was filling me. I couldn’t bear to look Reiner in the eyes. I didn’t know what I would do if I did. _‘Jean. It’s okay. Just control it. Reiner’s an ass. He doesn’t know. Just let it go.’_ I whispered in my head, shaking off Reiner’s hands and walking towards the rest of my team. But Reiner grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face him again.

“What’s wrong, Jean? It’s not like anyone cares about him. He doesn’t matter. He’s just a piece of shit that got what he deserved. He’s worthless.” Reiner gave a half smile, and I lost it.

I snapped a quick jab to Reiner’s face, smirking when I heard a crunch from his nose and he went down. I quickly leaped onto him, continuing to punch the living shit out of him, all while muttering under my breath. “You’re the piece of shit. You need to grow the fuck up. Marco. Isn’t. Worthless.” Each syllable was punctuated with a punch anywhere I could reach. _‘Beat his face in. Kick his ass. Teach him a fucking lesson. How DARE he say those things about Marco! How dare he! God I wouldn’t care if he -’_ The tornado of thoughts spiraled and spiraled in my head. With every passing spiral, the thoughts got darker and the punches got harder. I didn’t hear the whole team shouting at me to stop until the coach had pulled me away from Reiner. I fought his grasp, trying to get back to kick Reiner’s ass some more. _‘I need to teach him a lesson! No one talks about Marco like that and fucking lives!’_

“Jean! Stop!” Erwin shook me a little bit and I just froze, my thoughts stopping and leaving my mind blank. I stared down at my bloody fists and then glanced up to look at Reiner, being helped to the sidelines by Thomas and Daz. I slumped in Erwin’s grip, all of the fight and anger in me gone. He lowered me to the ground, making sure I was still able to sit up, before crouching next to me.

“He said something about Marco, right Jean?” Erwin questioned quietly, whispering so no one else could hear us.

I flinched and nodded slowly, my thoughts racing through my mind. _‘How could anyone say anyone else is worthless? Even if you hate someone, they still matter to someone. Oh God what have I done?’_ I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came, so I quickly shut my mouth and cleared my throat before trying again. “He said Marco was w-worthless.” My voice shook as I started to tear up. “Marco’s in the hospital. He o-overdosed Saturday night, because of what Reiner told him at my party. He’s in a coma, and the doctors don’t know if he’ll wake up. I-I can’t lose him, Coach. He’s my w-world.” My voice was thick with emotion, tears falling slowly down my face.

“I’m so sorry that’s happened, Jean. Go clean up then go home. Since the fight was provoked, I’ll lessen the punishment slightly. You can attend practice, but for the next week, you can’t participate. I’m sorry to do that, but its school policy.” Erwin sighed, standing up slowly, offering a hand to me. I nodded my understanding of the punishment while I let him pull me up.

“Thank you, Coach. It means a lot.” I whispered before making my way to the locker rooms I had left only ten minutes before. I changed back into my normal clothes then made my way to my car, driving to the hospital to see Marco. _‘Please Marco. Please wake up.’_

* * *

 

I made it to the hospital by a little after four and was let in to visit Marco without too much difficulty. Sitting in the chair by his bedside, I held his hand with one of my own, my fingers tracing invisible designs on the back of his hand. Reaching up, I gently touched my fingertips to his still-bruised cheek, a choked sob making its way from my throat.

“Marco. Marco.” I sobbed out his name, my hand falling from his face to clutch his hand to my chest. “Marco I need you. I love you. Please, come back to me.” I searched his lax face for any sign of waking up, as if my pleading could bring him back. When I found nothing, I lay my head on the bed, my shoulders shaking in silent pain. I pressed his cold hand to my cheek, willing him to come back to stroke the tears away.

I sniffed, lifting my head and sitting back in the chair, still rubbing random patterns onto his hand. “I don’t think I ever told you how or when I knew I loved you, Marco.” I spoke to the empty room, as if Marco could hear me, wherever he was.

“It was the one other time you came to my back to school party. Seventh grade.” I let out a short laugh, remembering how awkward the party had been, my tears slowly drying while I recounted the tale. “We got a giant group to play spin the bottle. Of course, I already had a crush on you. When you spun and it landed on me, God was my heart beating fast. I was certain you would hear and you would figure out why I always tried to be your partner in class or tried to eat lunch with you. But you just stood up, walked over to me, and you gave me the shyest peck on the lips. You turned so red I couldn’t see your adorable freckles anymore. I’m sure I was just as red, to be honest. But I knew, in that moment, that I loved you. Ever since then, no matter how I tried to get you off my mind, loving you was always there.” I kissed the back of his hand, gently playing with his fingers.

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I just . . . I didn’t know how. If I had known what I was doing was causing so much pain, I would have just come out and told you. I’m so sorry, Marco. I wish I could take all those years back. I wish I could have just confessed after that party. Heh. You probably would have thought I was crazy. Hell, I still think I’m crazy. I can’t believe how much I adore you, Marco. God. If only I had the courage to tell you all of this to when you could hear me.” I sighed, content with what I had said, even though Marco couldn’t hear me.

“But I can hear you.”

I jumped, startled, whipping my head to stare at Marco. _‘He can’t be. Can he?’_ I frantically searched Marco’s face for any signs of awareness. When I found none, I sighed, rubbing my face wearily. “Just fucking great, Kirschtein. You’re fucking hallucinating your boyfriend’s voice. Great fucking job you idiot.” I groaned, deep in my throat, resting my head on the bed as the sadness returned.

“God Jean. I never knew you were such a dork.” The hallucination spoke again, laughing slightly. The laughter turned to coughing and I looked up in shock when I felt Marco’s body actually move with the coughs. My eyes welled up with tears as I saw Marco turn towards me as his coughing subsided. “Hey Jean.” He whispered, smiling gently at me.

“Marco!” I shouted, practically leaping on him as I hugged him tightly. My tears were falling freely now, but I didn’t care. I had my love back. He was okay. He was alive. “Don’t ever do that again, you hear me! Never fucking again!” I pulled back to look at Marco’s face. He was pale, and his eyes were slightly cloudy, like he was still in a daze. But he was here with me and that’s all that mattered. Resting my forehead against his, I stared into his eyes, trying to convey all the love and adoration I had for him in a single look.

“Marco. I thought I had lost you. Please don’t leave me, ever again. God, I love you.” I whispered, kissing him gently, yet with all the passion I felt for him. I knew my tears were falling on his cheeks, but I didn’t care. I had him back.

“Jean it’s okay.” Marco whispered when I broke the kiss, smiling at me. “I’m here. I’m alive. I’m safe. So stop crying you dork.” He embraced me with the arm that wasn’t stuck with the I.V. keeping me close to him. “I’m not leaving. Ever.” He promised.

I slowly stopped crying, pulling back slightly so I could just stare at Marco. I smiled happily, yet the smile faded when I remembered the first words he spoke. “How much did you hear, exactly?” I questioned, a blush starting to make its way onto my face.

Marco actually looked embarrassed, blushing slightly, before he cleared his throat to answer. “I faintly heard you talking, but I couldn’t make anything out except that it was you. The first thing I remember hearing clearly was ‘I don’t think I ever told you how or when I knew I loved you, Marco.’ But please don’t be embarrassed! It was really sweet and super cute. It’s adorable that you’ve loved me for so long.” He laughed slightly, staring up at me, suddenly looking very earnest, like his next words were the most important words in the world. “Actually, it makes me feel a little better, knowing that the moment you fell in love with me was the same moment I fell for you.”

I gaped at Marco like a fish out of water, completely stunned. _‘Marco fell in love with me . . . With our first kiss. Just like I did.’_ The tears began welling up again and I hugged Marco tightly, clutching him as if my life depended on it. “Marco. I love you. So goddamn much.” I held onto him, making sure he knew how much I loved him.

“I love you too, Jean.” He said gently, coughing slightly. I pulled away from him, staring at him, making sure he was okay.

“Do you need anything? Water? A better pillow? Anything? Oh, and I should probably let the doctors know you’re awake too. I guess I got a little distracted.” I smiled at him, pulling away completely from him, reluctantly getting off the bed. “I’ll be right back, Marco. Don’t worry.” Marco smiled back at me, making a “shoo-shoo” motion with his hand as I hurried out of the room to the nurses’ station.

“Hey. Uh. Patient Marco Bodt in room 104 is awake. I think he needs some water too.” As soon as I said Marco was awake, two of the nurses sprang up from their chairs and rushed into his room, one of the remaining nurses at the desk calling the on-call doctor on the overhead intercom. The fourth nurse smiled at me and gently led me away from the desk and away from Marco. I struggled a little bit, wanting to get back to my boyfriend, before she spoke.

“I know you want to get back to him, but it’s going to be pretty busy in there for a few minutes. They’re going to need to do some tests on him and it’s generally just easier to move around when there isn’t a visitor in the room. Why don’t you call your parents and his parents to let them know that he’s awake, okay?” She spoke kindly to me, leading me to the waiting room. “I’ll come and get you once you can come in again, okay?”

Reluctant as I was to let Marco out of my sight for more than a few moments, I nodded, understanding the need to keep me out of the room. “Okay. I’ll let both our parents know. Thanks for helping.” I said quietly, taking a seat on the far side of the waiting room. I pulled out my phone, dialing Marco’s house first. I waited, practically holding my breath while it rang. On the third ring, a hesitant female voice answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi. This is Jean. Is this Mrs. Bodt?” I asked, honestly questioning if the scared voice could even belong to the same hyperactive woman I met only a few days ago.

“Hi Jean. Yes, this is Hanji. Is everything alright? How is Marco? Is he still okay? Oh God did something happen while we weren’t there? God is he okay?” She fired off questions at a rapid pace, barely giving herself time to breathe or me any time to get a word in.

“Mrs. Bodt. Everything is okay. Please breathe.” I waited until I heard her take a few deep breaths before continuing. “Actually, Marco woke up a few minutes ago. There are doctors and nurses talking with him and running some tests at the moment, but I’m sure that by the time you get here, he’ll be free to have visitors.” I heard her gasp in shock when I told her that Marco had woken up and I smiled slightly, feeling a little better now that his family knew that he was okay.

“Oh thank you, Jean! We’ll be over right away! Thank you so much for telling us!” Her happy, hyperactive personality seemed to return in a heartbeat as she thanked me, like I was the one that caused Marco to wake up. I murmured a small “you’re welcome” before she hung up the phone with a small click. I pulled the phone away from my cheek, a small smile still on my face. I quickly dialed my home number, relaying the same message to my mom, hearing the happiness all over again.

After both of our families had been notified, I sat back in my chair, sighing wearily. I knew I had to prepare to interact with both our parents and potentially our siblings, but I was just so goddamn tired. _‘It’s hard to believe that just an hour or so ago, I was beating the shit out of Reiner. I’ll have to apologize tomorrow, but whatever. Marco is alive and that’s all that matters now.’_ I smiled, seeing the doctors and nurses come out of Marco’s room. Standing up, I made my way over to Marco’s room, and, hearing no objections, I walked inside and took my place in the chair beside his bed.

“Hey Love. How are you feeling now? Still okay?” I questioned, picking up Marco’s hand, interlacing our fingers. He gave my hand a small squeeze and I knew everything was going to be okay.

“I’m okay. Still sorta out of it, but okay; my head hurts though.” He squeezed my hand again, smiling weakly at me. “I’m assuming you called our parents?” He said, blinking slowly and tiredly. I knew he still had a lot to go through, but I would be by his side, no matter what. I kissed the back of his hand gently before responding.

“Yeah, they know. They’ll be here shortly. Oh shit.” All of a sudden, I remembered that I had told both of our families that we were dating. And Marco didn’t know. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” I let go of Marco’s hand and stood up, beginning to pace around the room. Marco’s worried gaze followed me, silently questioning what the fuck I was doing.

“Ummm, Jean? You okay there buddy?” Marco asked, bracing himself on his good arm, shifting slightly into a sitting position. His eyes never left my pacing body, but I was too far into my panic to even realize what he was doing. _‘Shit. How am I going to tell him? I fucking came out to our parents. I fucking told them that we are dating and Marco doesn’t know. Holy shit I fucked up.’_ My thoughts were racing as I continuously paced around the small hospital room, gripping my hair with my hands.

“Shit Marco. I fucked up. Big time. I told our parents that we’re dating. They know. Fucking hell. How are we going to do this? What are they gonna say? They seemed fine when I told them, but now what will they do, now that you’re awake? Shit Marco this is bad. God I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I-”

“Jean. Shut the fuck up. Chill.”

I froze at Marco’s words, turning to him in complete surprise. “Huh?” I cocked my head to the side, completely and utterly confused by Marco uttering the worst curse I had ever heard him say.

“Jean. Everything will be okay. Just sit down and take some deep breaths, okay? I know my parents will be nothing but happy for us; I’m sure that your parents will be the same way. Seriously. Calm down.” Marco stated calmly, motioning with his hand for me to sit by him. I walked over and collapsed in the chair, covering my face with my hands and groaning low in my throat.

“I’m sorry I did that, Marco.” My voice was muffled, but I knew he could still hear me. “I didn’t even think. I just needed to be with you and they wouldn’t have let me if I hadn’t told them. I’m so sorry.” I hung my head in shame, my hands falling to my lap. I didn’t want to look at Marco. I knew he was okay with it, but I still felt awful that I had betrayed his trust like that.

“Jean. It’s okay. They would have found out eventually, to be honest. Sure, I would have liked to have been there when you told them. Or at least conscious. But it’s okay. Seriously. Don’t worry so much.” Marco smiled at me, ruffling my hair gently. I looked up at him and I knew that everything would be okay.

“MY SON!” The door burst open and Hanji rushed through, collapsing onto Marco’s bed, hugging him tightly. “You’re okay! Thank Heavens!” Her voice cracked and I knew that she was beginning to tear up from the happiness and relief. I quickly got up from my chair and stood in the corner of the room, giving Marco’s family time to surround him with love.

“Marco!” Christa exclaimed, running over and holding Marco’s hand to her face. He gently wiped away the tears, the way only an older brother could do. She beckoned with her free hand to their two siblings, still waiting in the doorway with their father. Bertholdt slowly made his way over to Marco, stunned, as if he couldn’t believe he was okay. When he reached the bed, tears began to stream down his face as he knelt by Marco’s head, clutching onto the hospital gown tightly. However, Mikasa’s reaction was the one that brought Marco to tears.

“Polo!” She screeched, running as fast as her stubby legs could carry her. Hanji lifted her onto the bed and Mikasa immediately started bawling, hugging Marco as hard as she could. “D-don’t do that, Polo! Don’t s-scare me!” Her words came out in stutters, the force of her tears causing the words to jumble. She head-butted his chest gently, tears soaking his shirt.

“Mika, I won’t do it again. I promise.” Marco said calmly, his tears still falling slowly. He gently caressed her hair, pulling her close. “I’m here. I’m okay.” I felt a few of my own tears fall as I watched the touching scene between the family. I saw a small movement out of the corner of my eye, and I turned slightly to see what it was. Levi was wiping away a few tears, his stoniness betrayed only by the wetness in his eyes.

“Thank you, Jean. Thank you for bringing him back to us.” Levi whispered, sniffing away the last tears. I whispered back my response, letting him know that everything was okay. He gently touched my arm, so faint I wasn’t sure it had happened, before going over and resting a hand on his wife’s back.

_‘Everything is going to be okay.’_

* * *

Hanji and Levi re-entered the room after they were called out by the doctor a few minutes before. Two nurses came with them, one of them carrying the clothes Hanji had brought with her. The nurse set the clothes down on the chair and began taking the monitors off of Marco while the other began taking the I.V. out. I flinched when they began taking the I.V. out, worried about the pained look on Marco’s face.

“Okay!” Hanji spoke loudly, getting everyone’s attention. “The doctor told us that, even though the normal procedure with suicide attempts is inpatient, he is allowing us to bring Marco home today under the conditions that someone is to be with him twenty four seven for the next week or so. This is so that everyone can be certain that you won’t repeat these events. I hope this is okay, because it’s what we’ve decided to do.”

Marco blinked, slightly shocked that he wouldn’t have to spend more time in the hospital, yet quickly gained his composure again. “Yes. That’s understandable. Thanks for doing this for me.” He smiled at his parents, pure and utter relief on his face.

“Okay! Now that that’s settled, who wants dinner?” Hanji nearly shouted, already beginning to herd her children out of the room. “Red Robin sound okay?” There was a chorus of “okays” and one “yum!” from Mikasa. Hanji laughed a little at her youngest child’s reaction as she finally got all of them to stand in the doorway. “Jean.” She began. “I’ll leave Marco in your care. Just please get to the restaurant shortly.” She called over her shoulder as she swept her children out into the hallway, their laughter and excited voices getting fainter and fainter. I stared at the doorway, not really comprehending all that had happened. I heard Marco laugh slightly behind me and I turned to look at him.

“They’re really something, aren’t they?” He laughed again, smiling at me. “They’re all a little odd, but I love them.” He shifted slowly into a sitting position. “So, you gonna help me or just enjoy the view?” He struck an over-the-top pose, biting his lip, but I could see the gears in his mind spinning.

I gave a half smile, now realizing all the happiness and smiles he had been full of were just a show. He was still hurting, and I didn’t know how to help. “Sure,” I mumbled, grabbing the clothes the nurse had set down on the chair. I helped Marco shift slowly until he was sitting on the side of the bed, holding him tightly when he swayed a little from dizziness. Slipping his underwear onto the correct legs, I braced myself under one of his arms and got him standing up, turning away to give him a little privacy as he started dressing.

“Jean. I-”

“Let’s get these sweats on, okay?” I cut him off, not wanting to hear any apologies he felt he needed to make. Everything was my fault, directly or indirectly, so he had nothing to be sorry for. At least, in my eyes he didn’t. He finally tied the knot on his pants and I reluctantly let go of him for a moment, so I could grab his shirt and help him into it.

“Jean. Please. I’m-”

“Marco. Stop. It’s fine.” I cut him off again, slipping a pair of flip flops onto his feet. I stood up again and wrapped my arm around his waist, trying to move towards the door. However, when Marco failed to move with me, I stopped and turned to face him. “Marco. I-”

“I’m sorry.”

His words were barely a whisper, his face bowed, hiding from me. I gently tilted his head up, cupping his face with my hands. A few tears slid down his face and I quickly wiped them away with my thumbs. “Marco.” I murmured, tearing up myself. I wrapped my arms around his torso, feeling his arms come around my shoulders as we held each other close, both crying silently at this point.

“Jean. I’m so sorry.” His voice was muffled from where he had pressed his face into my shoulder. I felt his shoulders shaking with his sobs and I just clutched him tighter, trying to keep him grounded in the moment. I held him and rubbed his back until his frantic sobs had diminished into occasional hiccups of a cry. Sniffing away my own tears, I pulled back just enough to look at him.

“Marco. It’s okay. You’re here and you’re alive. That’s all I needed.” I wiped away a few straggling tears, smiling gently up at my boyfriend. Slipping my arm around his waist once more, I looked at him and gave a small, sad smile. “You’re going to be okay. _We’re_ going to be okay.” I whispered, kissing his cheek gently, before helping him out of the room and to my car parked out front.

* * *

 

The ride to the restaurant was silent. I held Marco’s hand the whole time, almost like I was making sure that he was still here with me and that this wasn’t some elaborate dream I was living. Marco stared out the window the whole time, looking at me only when I squeezed his hand slightly whenever a horrible thought or feeling surfaced in me. When we arrived at Red Robin, Marco visibly paled and nearly stopped breathing when I turned off the car. I unbuckled my seat and unbuckled his too, moving my seat back and pulling him into my lap, much like what I did before we got ice cream only a few days ago. I rocked him, softly murmuring sweet nothings, trying to get him to calm down.

“Shhh. Marco. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I promise. It’s just dinner, then we can go home and sleep.” I rested my head on his shoulder, coaxing him to take slow and even breaths with me. I gently rubbed his back until Marco had calmed down enough for me to pull away slowly. “C’mon Marco. Let’s go have dinner.”

I opened my door and shifted enough so that he could exit the car first, before I followed him. I locked the car and took his hand in mine, smiling softly. I led him to the restaurant door and opened it for him. “After you, My Dear.” I said, half-joking with him, bowing slightly.

“Thank you, My Good Sir.” Marco responded, smiling genuinely for the first time today. He entered Red Robin and I followed shortly behind, seeing both of our parents waving excitedly from the table reserved for large parties. Making our way to our families, Marco tried to pull his hand from my grasp, but I only help onto it tighter.

“I’m not letting you go. No matter what.” I murmured in his ear when we got to the table. I pulled out a chair for him, kissing his temple when he sat down. Sitting in my own chair, I glanced over the menu, more for looks than actually deciding what to get, since I always ordered the same thing every time I went here. I looked up at the rest of the people seated at the table, flinching slightly when I noticed Levi’s hard glare at me. _‘Apparently whatever we shared this weekend doesn’t carry over to normal life.’_ I thought to myself, giving Levi a small, half-smile before staring unnecessarily at my menu.

“What are you getting, Jean?” Hanji nearly shouted across the table from me. She smiled at me, seemingly genuinely interested in my meal of choice. I shrugged, not understanding her excitement, but answered nonetheless.

“I’m going to get what I always get, the sautéed shroom burger. Personally, it’s my favorite meal.” I replied, turning to Marco and nudging his shoulder gently. “What about you, Marco?” Marco looked up at me, slightly helplessly, and I remembered that he had issues with eating. Reaching over his arm, flipping the page of the menu, I pointed at a meal that he might have been okay with eating. “Here. This one should be okay. You just have to eat one. I swear.” Marco smiled, still looking slightly fearful, before nodding once, showing me that he was okay with my proposition.

When the waitress arrived to take our orders, I smiled again at Marco, clutching his hand underneath the table. I looked around the table, focusing mainly on Levi and Hanji and how they reacted to Marco only getting the kids meal chicken. Their faces fell, only slightly, before Hanji slipped her “happy face” back into place and Levi fixed his disappointment behind his cool demeanor. I kept a hold on Marco’s hand, making sure that he knew I was there for him.

The entire table chatted away, both of our families interacting as if they had never grown apart from each other. Marco and I, however, just sat in silence, holding hands and watching our families. We both smiled when Mikasa, Armin, and Eren started talking excitedly in the way only young children could. They waved their hands around, using them to explain the story more than their words. My mother had to move Eren’s drink away from his grasp after his story telling got a little out of hand and he had nearly knocked his glass of milk down. Both Marco and I laughed at his response, a little pout of annoyance. Our food came shortly after, all except Marco digging in, the conversation lulling into small contented sighs and quiet sounds of chewing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Marco quietly breaking apart the two chicken tenders into tiny, bite sized pieces, stopping occasionally to pop barely a shred of chicken into his mouth. I nudged his leg under the table with my own, looking at him pointedly when turned to stare at me.

“I know what you’re doing. Please stop and just eat one whole one. For me?” I whispered under my breath, only letting Marco know what I wanted. His eyes pleaded with me, silently calling my name and questioning me “why” with his gaze. I gave a half-glare back at him, telling him to ‘don’t give me that shit’ through my slightly annoyed glance. Marco just sighed, turning back to his shredded chicken, slowly popping pieces into his mouth. I nodded, turning back to my burger, getting nearly done before I felt a slight nudge against my leg.

Marco pointedly looked at me, before glancing back at his chicken, passive-aggressively showing me that he had eaten half. I rolled my eyes and shrugged, nudging his leg with mine. _‘You win some, you lose some.’_ I thought to myself as I took another the last few bites out of my burger, finishing my food along with the rest of the table.

We were getting up to leave, heading out the doors when my mother called my name. “Jean.” She said quietly, pulling me away from the group to talk to me privately. I followed her off to the side, not really understanding why she would need to talk to me. “Jean,” She repeated, “Your father and I talked with Hanji and Levi. All of us are okay with you spending the night with Marco. We know how stressful these past days have been for you both and we wanted to give you boys some time to talk and just de-stress with each other. Is that okay?”

I half smiled, looking over my shoulder at Marco holding a tired Mikasa, catching his eye. My gaze softened when I saw how content he was. He seemed legitimately happy for once, not showing the mask he nearly constantly wore. I looked back to my mom, nodding my consent, before turning and walking back to our families, touching Marco’s shoulder gently.

“I’m going to spend the night with you, okay?” I whispered quietly, making sure not to wake the sleeping five year old that rested on Marco’s other shoulder. He turned to me and smiled, and I instantly knew that everything would be okay.

* * *

 

The drive to Marco’s house was a quiet one. Marco was nearly asleep in the passenger seat, eyes drooping as he stared mindlessly out the window at the dark that was slowly falling around us. When I pulled into his driveway, he seemed to wake slightly, just enough to get out of the car and lead me up into his house and up to his room. I was glad that he was awake enough to do so, simply because I had only been in his house once and didn’t even know where his room was. We stripped off our clothes quietly, too exhausted from the emotional day to even make small talk. I realized that I didn’t have any pajamas to wear, or clothes for tomorrow for that matter, but I didn’t care. I’d take care of that issue in the morning.

We flopped onto the bed, getting under the covers before I pulled Marco against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, nuzzling his neck tiredly. Kissing his cheek gently, I saw his eyes slowly fall shut, and I whispered quietly in his ear.

“I love you, Marco. With all my heart.”

“I know.” The reply came back in a hushed whisper with a gently kiss to my cheek.

We fell asleep smiling, content being in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Anybody cry? :)
> 
> I hope you guys liked it! Please leave your thoughts and feelings about the chapter and story. If you want to see something happen later on, mention it and I will probably take inspiration from it and give you credit if I use it! I'm always looking for inspiration!
> 
> This story has sad themes and really sad moments, but the ending WILL be a happy one. I promise! Please keep reading on!
> 
> My tumblr is [here](http://riverspirit86.tumblr.com/) if you want to talk about anything really. I'm tracking the tags: riverspirit86, fic: is it love, and jeanmarco is it love
> 
> If you ever need to talk or vent about anything, please feel free to send me an ask! Doesn't matter if we've never talked before. If you need someone, I'm here for you :)
> 
> Again, many many thanks to my lovely beta, tuttifruiticuti! You are the best friend I could ever have. Many thanks to this story for bringing us together :)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked the chapter! The next one should be out soon :)


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